The next several blogs will be letters I have wrote, most of them not sent. Names and locations have been changed.
August 27, 2011
Dear You,
I don’t know how to start, or even if I should be writing this, but here I am. Maybe you would be better off if I died or disappeared, but you are a better person than I am to give me the opportunity to even speak to you. I don’t want to run away from everything for the rest of my life and I think if I never met you I wouldn’t even know that I do it. I reread the letter you wrote me and gave me at the **** bout. At the time, I was too angry and proud to let any of what you had to say sink in. Well, I guess time goes by and now I have to say that you are right about everything. I am a screwed up person, I hurt myself and those around me by the way I handle, or don’t handle things. I let other’s influence me instead of trusting the people I should and I let my emotions take control of my actions. It’s a painful place to be, to see your flaws and your black heart laid out in front of you and to not be able to deny it. But, I need to be here and stay here as long as it takes to figure out how to change. I’m thirty years old, it’s time to change.
I wish I had met you when I was young. I wish you had known the girl who fell in love with someone and completely gave all of my heart to that person, and I wish that person had been you. Instead, I gave it to someone who stomped on it and tore it apart. I swore after that I would never give it fully to anyone again so I could not be hurt like that again. In our relationship, I thought that if I was the one in control, and if I didn’t need you then I could not be hurt again. I loved you, but I held back. I’m sorry. I’m scared to death that if I really love someone, then they will leave me. It’s easier to stay a step ahead of the game. Well I thought it was easier, but it’s just another way of hurting myself and the unfortunate person who loves me. I wish I could rip my heart out, drain all the bad blood in me and start over again.
You’re a good woman. You’ve been hurt, but somehow you’ve figured out how to keep loving. I wish I was like you. I will figure out how to be a person worthy of someone’s love. I don’t want to come with a warning label. I want to find the girl in me that loved unconditionally and without fail. I don’t like the cynical cold bitch that takes over…she needs to go. I hate what I am.
You’re in control of this. You do hold all the cards. I don’t deserve to speak to you or look you in the eye. I deserve to be alone for the rest of my life. For me to say thank you for letting me try to be your friend doesn’t seem like enough. Tell me what you want and don’t want from me and I will respect whatever you say.
From my heart,
Me
Dear You,
I don’t know how to start, or even if I should be writing this, but here I am. Maybe you would be better off if I died or disappeared, but you are a better person than I am to give me the opportunity to even speak to you. I don’t want to run away from everything for the rest of my life and I think if I never met you I wouldn’t even know that I do it. I reread the letter you wrote me and gave me at the **** bout. At the time, I was too angry and proud to let any of what you had to say sink in. Well, I guess time goes by and now I have to say that you are right about everything. I am a screwed up person, I hurt myself and those around me by the way I handle, or don’t handle things. I let other’s influence me instead of trusting the people I should and I let my emotions take control of my actions. It’s a painful place to be, to see your flaws and your black heart laid out in front of you and to not be able to deny it. But, I need to be here and stay here as long as it takes to figure out how to change. I’m thirty years old, it’s time to change.
I wish I had met you when I was young. I wish you had known the girl who fell in love with someone and completely gave all of my heart to that person, and I wish that person had been you. Instead, I gave it to someone who stomped on it and tore it apart. I swore after that I would never give it fully to anyone again so I could not be hurt like that again. In our relationship, I thought that if I was the one in control, and if I didn’t need you then I could not be hurt again. I loved you, but I held back. I’m sorry. I’m scared to death that if I really love someone, then they will leave me. It’s easier to stay a step ahead of the game. Well I thought it was easier, but it’s just another way of hurting myself and the unfortunate person who loves me. I wish I could rip my heart out, drain all the bad blood in me and start over again.
You’re a good woman. You’ve been hurt, but somehow you’ve figured out how to keep loving. I wish I was like you. I will figure out how to be a person worthy of someone’s love. I don’t want to come with a warning label. I want to find the girl in me that loved unconditionally and without fail. I don’t like the cynical cold bitch that takes over…she needs to go. I hate what I am.
You’re in control of this. You do hold all the cards. I don’t deserve to speak to you or look you in the eye. I deserve to be alone for the rest of my life. For me to say thank you for letting me try to be your friend doesn’t seem like enough. Tell me what you want and don’t want from me and I will respect whatever you say.
From my heart,
Me
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