August 27, 2011
Dear You,
I’m going to try to explain to you, as well as figure out myself, what happened and why. It’s going to be messy and probably won’t make very good sense, but it’s a start.
The girl who couldn’t sleep until I gave you an engagement ring and ask you to marry me is the girl who I am inside. It was a moment of pure truth and I was not afraid to show you my true feelings. I wish I could have stayed in touch with my feelings instead of letting my hang ups take over. Anyhow, I don’t know when the roots of my insecurity began to take hold, but they did. I started my sport because I felt I needed something exciting and distracting. I met her there and I felt very attracted to her and I should have said to myself, okay I’m attracted to someone, that’s normal, I’m going to go home to my wife now. Instead, I felt guilty, I felt there must be something wrong with me, with us, and I kept it a secret. It started to tear me apart inside, I felt like I was cheating on you. I handled it terribly and it just got worse and worse. Then, a old friend came back into my life and wanted to be friends. I very foolishly believed him. I talked to him about the attraction I felt for this other woman and he advised me to leave our relationship because clearly I wasn’t ready to be in a committed relationship. I thought he was my friend, I thought he was right. When I talked to our therapist, he said the same things. I had convinced myself by then that I needed to get out of the relationship and be free to roam. I was wrong and stupid. As soon as I got out of our relationship, my friend showed his true colors, he did not want to be friends. I realize now the attraction I felt for the girl on my team should have been nothing, but I let it ruin me. I realize now that I was attracted to her because she was unavailable and it’s my sad tendency to pursue people that are unavailable because it’s a way to keep from getting close to anyone.
So there’s my stupid story. There are so many little things that happened, so many thoughts and emotions. So many times that I wished I would had have the presence of mind to say, wait, this is not who you are. I should have done whatever it took to get off the train I was on. I should have told the guy to go fuck himself and I should have told you about the girl. I did everything wrong and nothing right. I stopped trusting you, I stopped trusting us.
Now, how have I gotten to this place of acceptance? Believe it or not, it started with meeting a team trainer. We talked about so much more than roller derby. There was an energy about her that drew me and I had to talk to her. She got me thinking about spiritualism and living a life so differently than I had been raised to do. Everything I was taught and the way I lived is so wrong. I’m searching now, reading, looking for the truth. I am slowly realizing that I don’t have to keep repeating the same patterns that I learned as a child and that I have continued thus far in my life. Life doesn’t have to be about protecting myself from everyone. Someone like you is not out to hurt me and I don’t have to push you away. I know this is all coming too late, but I want you to know it. You are the person in my life that I can trust, the person who saw the good in me long before I did. In whatever capacity you will let me be a part of your life, I will strive to earn your company.
Sincerely,
Me
Dear You,
I’m going to try to explain to you, as well as figure out myself, what happened and why. It’s going to be messy and probably won’t make very good sense, but it’s a start.
The girl who couldn’t sleep until I gave you an engagement ring and ask you to marry me is the girl who I am inside. It was a moment of pure truth and I was not afraid to show you my true feelings. I wish I could have stayed in touch with my feelings instead of letting my hang ups take over. Anyhow, I don’t know when the roots of my insecurity began to take hold, but they did. I started my sport because I felt I needed something exciting and distracting. I met her there and I felt very attracted to her and I should have said to myself, okay I’m attracted to someone, that’s normal, I’m going to go home to my wife now. Instead, I felt guilty, I felt there must be something wrong with me, with us, and I kept it a secret. It started to tear me apart inside, I felt like I was cheating on you. I handled it terribly and it just got worse and worse. Then, a old friend came back into my life and wanted to be friends. I very foolishly believed him. I talked to him about the attraction I felt for this other woman and he advised me to leave our relationship because clearly I wasn’t ready to be in a committed relationship. I thought he was my friend, I thought he was right. When I talked to our therapist, he said the same things. I had convinced myself by then that I needed to get out of the relationship and be free to roam. I was wrong and stupid. As soon as I got out of our relationship, my friend showed his true colors, he did not want to be friends. I realize now the attraction I felt for the girl on my team should have been nothing, but I let it ruin me. I realize now that I was attracted to her because she was unavailable and it’s my sad tendency to pursue people that are unavailable because it’s a way to keep from getting close to anyone.
So there’s my stupid story. There are so many little things that happened, so many thoughts and emotions. So many times that I wished I would had have the presence of mind to say, wait, this is not who you are. I should have done whatever it took to get off the train I was on. I should have told the guy to go fuck himself and I should have told you about the girl. I did everything wrong and nothing right. I stopped trusting you, I stopped trusting us.
Now, how have I gotten to this place of acceptance? Believe it or not, it started with meeting a team trainer. We talked about so much more than roller derby. There was an energy about her that drew me and I had to talk to her. She got me thinking about spiritualism and living a life so differently than I had been raised to do. Everything I was taught and the way I lived is so wrong. I’m searching now, reading, looking for the truth. I am slowly realizing that I don’t have to keep repeating the same patterns that I learned as a child and that I have continued thus far in my life. Life doesn’t have to be about protecting myself from everyone. Someone like you is not out to hurt me and I don’t have to push you away. I know this is all coming too late, but I want you to know it. You are the person in my life that I can trust, the person who saw the good in me long before I did. In whatever capacity you will let me be a part of your life, I will strive to earn your company.
Sincerely,
Me
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