August 27, 2011
Dear You,
Since I left you I have been living at my parent’s house. Isn’t it sad how easily I revert to my comfort zone. But, I realize that the place I feel safe is in reality the place that does the most damage to my spirit. I can’t possibly be healthy living in an environment where my very being is condemned and judged. I don’t fit in with their ideas of morality and spirituality. I am gay, I was born this way and I’ll die this way, but it’s not okay with them. How can I strive toward a positive spiritual and emotional journey surrounded by those negative bonds? I can’t and I realize that now.
I am moving back into the home we shared for as long as they will allow me to live here or until I find something else. I avoided this place for months because of the sad memories of my failings and horrible mistakes. I also avoided it because of the wonderful painful memories of moments spent here with you. I look at the chair by the window and remember a day that we fought and yelled at each other. I sat down in that chair and began to weep. You came to me, accepted me as I was and wrapped your strong beautiful arms around me. I walk in the kitchen and remember how many meals we prepared there as a family. Neither of us can cook to save our lives, but we kept each other fed somehow. All the days you survived my rice and eggs… The hardest room, the most painful room that I’ve barely been in yet is the bedroom we shared. Thinking of the intimacy we shared together and the love I threw away causes my chest to tighten and I feel like I can’t breath. I’m ready to fully let myself feel this anguish because I need to feel it and understand what I’ve done. I think maybe my heart will have the mercy to just stop beating, but it doesn’t.
As I am going through the house cleaning and scrubbing away the grime that collects in a home that is uncared for it is a blatant physical reminder that I stopped caring for this home in the same way I stopped caring for our relationship. I was home only long enough to make a mess, I was with you only long enough to hurt you. I wasn’t here like I needed to be. If only I could scrub the damage that I’ve done to our hearts away like I scrub the grim from the refrigerator, but it doesn’t work like that.
I want to talk to you. I want to share with you what has brought me to this point of humility. I want to cry over and over again that I’m sorry and I’d do anything to undo what I’ve done. I know that’s not going to happen though. I can’t change anything in the past. I can’t make you forgive me. I can only change myself. I can only accept the person I am and strive for the person I know I can be. I don’t want to let the experiences of my childhood and youth continue to control who I am now. That was then, this is now. Those people can not hurt me any longer if I don’t let them. And you, you have never been one of those people. I don’t know how in the world we found each other, but I know it wasn’t an accident. I know that my life is completely changed because of you. I also know it is probably too late for us and I will spend the rest of my life in mourning that I didn’t understand earlier. I didn’t understand that by trying to protect myself I was hurting myself and you. I didn’t accept the fact that I could trust you and you were not going to hurt me. I thought so stupidly that if I gave my life to you, you would not want it. I thought marriage was something to run away from instead of being humble and grateful that I had found someone who wanted to spend their life with me. I am such a flawed human being. I am sad and alone and this is where I will live my life.
Forever Yours,
Me
Dear You,
Since I left you I have been living at my parent’s house. Isn’t it sad how easily I revert to my comfort zone. But, I realize that the place I feel safe is in reality the place that does the most damage to my spirit. I can’t possibly be healthy living in an environment where my very being is condemned and judged. I don’t fit in with their ideas of morality and spirituality. I am gay, I was born this way and I’ll die this way, but it’s not okay with them. How can I strive toward a positive spiritual and emotional journey surrounded by those negative bonds? I can’t and I realize that now.
I am moving back into the home we shared for as long as they will allow me to live here or until I find something else. I avoided this place for months because of the sad memories of my failings and horrible mistakes. I also avoided it because of the wonderful painful memories of moments spent here with you. I look at the chair by the window and remember a day that we fought and yelled at each other. I sat down in that chair and began to weep. You came to me, accepted me as I was and wrapped your strong beautiful arms around me. I walk in the kitchen and remember how many meals we prepared there as a family. Neither of us can cook to save our lives, but we kept each other fed somehow. All the days you survived my rice and eggs… The hardest room, the most painful room that I’ve barely been in yet is the bedroom we shared. Thinking of the intimacy we shared together and the love I threw away causes my chest to tighten and I feel like I can’t breath. I’m ready to fully let myself feel this anguish because I need to feel it and understand what I’ve done. I think maybe my heart will have the mercy to just stop beating, but it doesn’t.
As I am going through the house cleaning and scrubbing away the grime that collects in a home that is uncared for it is a blatant physical reminder that I stopped caring for this home in the same way I stopped caring for our relationship. I was home only long enough to make a mess, I was with you only long enough to hurt you. I wasn’t here like I needed to be. If only I could scrub the damage that I’ve done to our hearts away like I scrub the grim from the refrigerator, but it doesn’t work like that.
I want to talk to you. I want to share with you what has brought me to this point of humility. I want to cry over and over again that I’m sorry and I’d do anything to undo what I’ve done. I know that’s not going to happen though. I can’t change anything in the past. I can’t make you forgive me. I can only change myself. I can only accept the person I am and strive for the person I know I can be. I don’t want to let the experiences of my childhood and youth continue to control who I am now. That was then, this is now. Those people can not hurt me any longer if I don’t let them. And you, you have never been one of those people. I don’t know how in the world we found each other, but I know it wasn’t an accident. I know that my life is completely changed because of you. I also know it is probably too late for us and I will spend the rest of my life in mourning that I didn’t understand earlier. I didn’t understand that by trying to protect myself I was hurting myself and you. I didn’t accept the fact that I could trust you and you were not going to hurt me. I thought so stupidly that if I gave my life to you, you would not want it. I thought marriage was something to run away from instead of being humble and grateful that I had found someone who wanted to spend their life with me. I am such a flawed human being. I am sad and alone and this is where I will live my life.
Forever Yours,
Me
No comments:
Post a Comment