August 28, 2011
Dear You,
It’s a rainy windy day. I’m breathing deeply, thinking deeply and missing you. You’re away at your friend’s wedding. I was suppose to be there with you, but I’m not because I let you down.
I have been doing so much reading, so much soul searching. I’m beginning to see the patterns in my life. I’m starting to understand what molded me, what experiences shaped how I react to things in my life. I have been working allot on looking at myself objectively and figuring out why I do the things I do. I’ve never really done anything like this before. I mean, in passing I have pondered things and wondered why I act certain ways, but I’ve never really delved deep and let myself feel the pain/anger/whatever it is I need to feel.
You know, I went for months running away from you, before and after the breakup. Well, actually I guess I’ve always been running away from you. I’m so used to being in love with someone who was not able to love me. Right from the start he was in love with someone else and I realize now, that made it safe for me. I don’t know how I was lucky enough for you to find me. You came along ready to love me and accept me right where I was. You stuck by me for two years as I was constantly changing and discovering myself. You fell in love with me, the true me that I couldn’t even see yet. You saw me. I was so afraid to let you in, I was afraid that if you saw the real me, you would hate me, know that I wasn’t worthy of love.
I behaved badly and ignored you at the games because I knew that if I looked you in the eye, if I spoke to you, you would look right through my defenses and know in an instant that my heart was hurting for you. I couldn’t let you see that, I wasn’t ready to give up my pride and I also knew, still do I guess, that you might be happier without me. I’m sorry that I acted so coldly toward you.
Now… now I don’t know what the future holds. I do know that I will do whatever it takes to become the person I was meant to be. I do have a good heart and I know I’m capable of living a loving and worthwhile life. I will strip away the negative and self-destructive patterns from my life and let my heart shine through. I believe deep inside that you and I are meant to be together. It was no accident the day you found me and smiled. It was perfect timing that I was in the same city as you, ready to come out of the closet and you were there ready to find a real life partner to love you. Whatever force is out there in the world knew that our souls should walk this world together. I’ve made such a mess out of everything and I know that for me to ever hope for you to give me another chance is almost impossible. I know you are with someone else now. I know the reality of things looks bleak right now. But, I also know and I believe that you and I will grow old together. Or maybe I will grow old alone. I just hope I will always know you. I hope I will always be a part of your life. And if you ever do give me another chance to love you, my life will be complete and happy. If you ever do give me another chance to love you, you will spend you life with someone completely devoted to you. My heart is forever yours.
Love,
Me
Dear You,
It’s a rainy windy day. I’m breathing deeply, thinking deeply and missing you. You’re away at your friend’s wedding. I was suppose to be there with you, but I’m not because I let you down.
I have been doing so much reading, so much soul searching. I’m beginning to see the patterns in my life. I’m starting to understand what molded me, what experiences shaped how I react to things in my life. I have been working allot on looking at myself objectively and figuring out why I do the things I do. I’ve never really done anything like this before. I mean, in passing I have pondered things and wondered why I act certain ways, but I’ve never really delved deep and let myself feel the pain/anger/whatever it is I need to feel.
You know, I went for months running away from you, before and after the breakup. Well, actually I guess I’ve always been running away from you. I’m so used to being in love with someone who was not able to love me. Right from the start he was in love with someone else and I realize now, that made it safe for me. I don’t know how I was lucky enough for you to find me. You came along ready to love me and accept me right where I was. You stuck by me for two years as I was constantly changing and discovering myself. You fell in love with me, the true me that I couldn’t even see yet. You saw me. I was so afraid to let you in, I was afraid that if you saw the real me, you would hate me, know that I wasn’t worthy of love.
I behaved badly and ignored you at the games because I knew that if I looked you in the eye, if I spoke to you, you would look right through my defenses and know in an instant that my heart was hurting for you. I couldn’t let you see that, I wasn’t ready to give up my pride and I also knew, still do I guess, that you might be happier without me. I’m sorry that I acted so coldly toward you.
Now… now I don’t know what the future holds. I do know that I will do whatever it takes to become the person I was meant to be. I do have a good heart and I know I’m capable of living a loving and worthwhile life. I will strip away the negative and self-destructive patterns from my life and let my heart shine through. I believe deep inside that you and I are meant to be together. It was no accident the day you found me and smiled. It was perfect timing that I was in the same city as you, ready to come out of the closet and you were there ready to find a real life partner to love you. Whatever force is out there in the world knew that our souls should walk this world together. I’ve made such a mess out of everything and I know that for me to ever hope for you to give me another chance is almost impossible. I know you are with someone else now. I know the reality of things looks bleak right now. But, I also know and I believe that you and I will grow old together. Or maybe I will grow old alone. I just hope I will always know you. I hope I will always be a part of your life. And if you ever do give me another chance to love you, my life will be complete and happy. If you ever do give me another chance to love you, you will spend you life with someone completely devoted to you. My heart is forever yours.
Love,
Me
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