August 29, 2011
Dear You,

I know the likely hood of you ever reading my words to you is slim to none. Maybe that’s what makes them just a little easier to write. It’s a cleansing I guess, a pouring out of my heart to you. I rarely did that when I had the opportunity and now I’m here on this stupid computer writing to no one. Today the sun is shinning, but my mood better fits yesterday’s weather. The tears streaming down my face more closely resemble the water running down the window pane from the storm yesterday. This glaring sunshine has no place for me right now.

We messaged a little bit on facebook today. Just a little and then you had to go because she and the boys were waiting for you. I wanted to scream out NO! I am waiting for you! But I said, K, Bye! How many months, years will go by before I can speak the truth to you. I know I can’t just gush and gush what I am feeling to you right now. It wouldn’t do anything, but push you away. It would scare you and you wouldn’t believe me anyhow. It’s going to take time, lots of time. But I have time, I’m not going anywhere. You say you’re happy, you say she’s everything you want and need, but I know that’s not true. Well maybe it’s true now, but it won’t be always. She is not the one for you, I am. She was there to hold you when I let you down and that is why you love her. She’s easy to be with; she follows you around because she knows you do not really belong to her. Someday something will happen, she will let you down, you will get bored…I don’t know what it’s going to be, but I am going to be right there ready to catch you.

Have you heard Adele’s new song, Someone Like You? It’s really something isn’t it? I want to send it to you, accept I don’t agree that I will find someone like you. There is no one like you. You’re one of a kind my love. There are so many songs that say things I wish I could say to you, but those thoughts will not leave my mouth. They flow through my fingers onto these pages, but you will not hear them. I will make small talk with you. I’ll ask how you’re doing and if there’s anything I can do for you. I hope maybe sometime I will get to see you, but I don’t know if I’m ready for that. I don’t know if I can be in the same room you are without sobbing because you don’t belong to me anymore. I feel like I took the wheel of a truck and drove it over my own heart. I don’t blame you for pulling your heart away from mine so it would not get crushed as well. Can I rise from the dead? Can I live again and be happy? I don’t know. I just don’t know right now.

Sadness

I opened my eyes slowly toward a blinding light.
I sat up and saw pools of crimson blood surrounding me.
It stained my white sheets and was smeared over my legs and stomach.
What happened, who would do this to me?
I examined the wound on my chest, the jagged rip above my left breast.
I could see a gapping hole where my heart should have been.
How was I breathing, what in the world was happening?
I looked down then and saw my heart in my left hand.
It was still beating, thick dark blood oozing from the slashes that covered it.
Then I looked to my right.
My fingers clutched a jagged evil looking black knife.
Blood covered the handle and dripped from my knuckles.
I did this to myself. I remembered now.
I hung my head and sobbed.
As I shook the blood continued to leak from my chest.
It mixed with the tears that poured from my eyes.

August 28, 2011
Dear You,

I’ve been crying deep gut wrenching sobs, the kind that feel like they are tearing apart your body. I cleaned our bedroom today. I found pictures my daughter drew of our family. I found cards you gave me and a paper where we had written your first name with my last name four times in different ways. I found your black suit jacket, the suit jacket I love so much on you. I also found two cards you left for me, one for mother’s day and one for our anniversary. I ignored the pain each new find brought up. I knew if I stopped cleaning and gave into it the room would never get done. I threw away all the garbage, washed the clothes, swept and mopped the floor. I brought in my old bed and set it up in place of where ours used to sit. Then I looked around and let myself begin to grieve. I pulled your jacket from the floor and laid it out on the bed. It’s so small; the shoulders so narrow, small and perfect like you. I picked up the cards and sat down on the bed. First I read the mother’s day card. It said how lucky you and my daughter were to have me in your lives. I laughed at the untruth of that statement. Then I read the anniversary card you gave to me. I didn’t even remember the things you said in it because I was so blind and stupid when you gave it to me. The love and devotion you felt toward me is so clear in every word. That’s when they started. I breathed deeply and let the pain take over every inch of me. I don’t know how long I cried, how long I clutched your jacket to my chest and cursed myself for ruining my life, our life. I sat in front of the mirror and told myself that this is my life now and nothing I can do will change it. I’m trying to accept that, trying to understand that you are truly gone. I don’t know if I have yet. I’m afraid that if I do these dark and dangerous thoughts that have been swirling in my mind will take over. I wonder if everyone wouldn’t be better off if I wasn’t here, everyone including me.

Me

August 28, 2011
Dear You,

You responded to the letter I wrote you. You said, “Ok. After looking through things, I cannot say this enough; I am not going back. I am so happy with who I am and where my life is. I love her so very much. She is everything I want and need. I will not give that up. If you can’t handle that, I’m sorry, but that is your problem, not mine. I need you to understand that completely.” I wrote you back saying I did understand completely. You then wrote, “I saw your posts on Facebook. I appreciate the apology, you know that. At the risk of sounding cruel, that is just something you will need to live with.” I told you that it wasn’t cruel, it was true. I said I expect nothing of you and I just want you to be happy.

I’m so glad you wrote me. I know you don’t want to be with me and you’ve moved on to someone else, but you wrote me. You read my letter and you looked back through my Facebook post. You cared enough to do that and for now, that is enough.

I’m sitting here now accepting the reality that I am going to live this life alone. It strangely almost feels like a relief. I know my future now and I can accept it. Two things are possibly going to happen. Either you will forgive me and someday we will be together, or I will learn to be content with myself and my life alone.

I need to learn to change the way I think about you and relate to you. Basically, I need to learn to be loyal and friendly, which will be no problem. But, I have to get rid of the sex…I’m not sure yet how I’m going to do that. How am I going to sit next to you and not think about making love to you? That has always been my thought process. I promise to try not to think about the hundred times we made love together. I will not imagine how beautiful you looked lying naked in my arms. I will not think about the way your skin felt under my lips, the way your tongue tasted on mine. I won’t remember how easily you made me cry out in ecstasy over and over again until I couldn’t breathe or speak. I won’t hear the echoes of the beautiful sounds that came from your lips as I made love to you. Truthfully, I can’t promise that I won’t think of you that way, but I do promise not a word will come out of my mouth about it.

Right now all this is choking me with emotion. I don’t wear mascara any more because it never stays on. I cry every day. Right now, it feels like I screwed up my life and I’ll never be happy again. I pray that as time goes by the acute pain will subside and I can find some kind of contentment. I hope you are part of that contentment in whatever small way you will allow me to be a part of your life.

Forever yours,

Me

August 28, 2011
Dear You,

It’s a rainy windy day. I’m breathing deeply, thinking deeply and missing you. You’re away at your friend’s wedding. I was suppose to be there with you, but I’m not because I let you down.

I have been doing so much reading, so much soul searching. I’m beginning to see the patterns in my life. I’m starting to understand what molded me, what experiences shaped how I react to things in my life. I have been working allot on looking at myself objectively and figuring out why I do the things I do. I’ve never really done anything like this before. I mean, in passing I have pondered things and wondered why I act certain ways, but I’ve never really delved deep and let myself feel the pain/anger/whatever it is I need to feel.

You know, I went for months running away from you, before and after the breakup. Well, actually I guess I’ve always been running away from you. I’m so used to being in love with someone who was not able to love me. Right from the start he was in love with someone else and I realize now, that made it safe for me. I don’t know how I was lucky enough for you to find me. You came along ready to love me and accept me right where I was. You stuck by me for two years as I was constantly changing and discovering myself. You fell in love with me, the true me that I couldn’t even see yet. You saw me. I was so afraid to let you in, I was afraid that if you saw the real me, you would hate me, know that I wasn’t worthy of love.

I behaved badly and ignored you at the games because I knew that if I looked you in the eye, if I spoke to you, you would look right through my defenses and know in an instant that my heart was hurting for you. I couldn’t let you see that, I wasn’t ready to give up my pride and I also knew, still do I guess, that you might be happier without me. I’m sorry that I acted so coldly toward you.

Now… now I don’t know what the future holds. I do know that I will do whatever it takes to become the person I was meant to be. I do have a good heart and I know I’m capable of living a loving and worthwhile life. I will strip away the negative and self-destructive patterns from my life and let my heart shine through. I believe deep inside that you and I are meant to be together. It was no accident the day you found me and smiled. It was perfect timing that I was in the same city as you, ready to come out of the closet and you were there ready to find a real life partner to love you. Whatever force is out there in the world knew that our souls should walk this world together. I’ve made such a mess out of everything and I know that for me to ever hope for you to give me another chance is almost impossible. I know you are with someone else now. I know the reality of things looks bleak right now. But, I also know and I believe that you and I will grow old together. Or maybe I will grow old alone. I just hope I will always know you. I hope I will always be a part of your life. And if you ever do give me another chance to love you, my life will be complete and happy. If you ever do give me another chance to love you, you will spend you life with someone completely devoted to you. My heart is forever yours.

Love,

Me

August 27, 2011
Dear You,

I’m going to try to explain to you, as well as figure out myself, what happened and why. It’s going to be messy and probably won’t make very good sense, but it’s a start.

The girl who couldn’t sleep until I gave you an engagement ring and ask you to marry me is the girl who I am inside. It was a moment of pure truth and I was not afraid to show you my true feelings. I wish I could have stayed in touch with my feelings instead of letting my hang ups take over. Anyhow, I don’t know when the roots of my insecurity began to take hold, but they did. I started my sport because I felt I needed something exciting and distracting. I met her there and I felt very attracted to her and I should have said to myself, okay I’m attracted to someone, that’s normal, I’m going to go home to my wife now. Instead, I felt guilty, I felt there must be something wrong with me, with us, and I kept it a secret. It started to tear me apart inside, I felt like I was cheating on you. I handled it terribly and it just got worse and worse. Then, a old friend came back into my life and wanted to be friends. I very foolishly believed him. I talked to him about the attraction I felt for this other woman and he advised me to leave our relationship because clearly I wasn’t ready to be in a committed relationship. I thought he was my friend, I thought he was right. When I talked to our therapist, he said the same things. I had convinced myself by then that I needed to get out of the relationship and be free to roam. I was wrong and stupid. As soon as I got out of our relationship, my friend showed his true colors, he did not want to be friends. I realize now the attraction I felt for the girl on my team should have been nothing, but I let it ruin me. I realize now that I was attracted to her because she was unavailable and it’s my sad tendency to pursue people that are unavailable because it’s a way to keep from getting close to anyone.

So there’s my stupid story. There are so many little things that happened, so many thoughts and emotions. So many times that I wished I would had have the presence of mind to say, wait, this is not who you are. I should have done whatever it took to get off the train I was on. I should have told the guy to go fuck himself and I should have told you about the girl. I did everything wrong and nothing right. I stopped trusting you, I stopped trusting us.

Now, how have I gotten to this place of acceptance? Believe it or not, it started with meeting a team trainer. We talked about so much more than roller derby. There was an energy about her that drew me and I had to talk to her. She got me thinking about spiritualism and living a life so differently than I had been raised to do. Everything I was taught and the way I lived is so wrong. I’m searching now, reading, looking for the truth. I am slowly realizing that I don’t have to keep repeating the same patterns that I learned as a child and that I have continued thus far in my life. Life doesn’t have to be about protecting myself from everyone. Someone like you is not out to hurt me and I don’t have to push you away. I know this is all coming too late, but I want you to know it. You are the person in my life that I can trust, the person who saw the good in me long before I did. In whatever capacity you will let me be a part of your life, I will strive to earn your company.

Sincerely,

Me

August 27, 2011
Dear You,

Since I left you I have been living at my parent’s house. Isn’t it sad how easily I revert to my comfort zone. But, I realize that the place I feel safe is in reality the place that does the most damage to my spirit. I can’t possibly be healthy living in an environment where my very being is condemned and judged. I don’t fit in with their ideas of morality and spirituality. I am gay, I was born this way and I’ll die this way, but it’s not okay with them. How can I strive toward a positive spiritual and emotional journey surrounded by those negative bonds? I can’t and I realize that now.

I am moving back into the home we shared for as long as they will allow me to live here or until I find something else. I avoided this place for months because of the sad memories of my failings and horrible mistakes. I also avoided it because of the wonderful painful memories of moments spent here with you. I look at the chair by the window and remember a day that we fought and yelled at each other. I sat down in that chair and began to weep. You came to me, accepted me as I was and wrapped your strong beautiful arms around me. I walk in the kitchen and remember how many meals we prepared there as a family. Neither of us can cook to save our lives, but we kept each other fed somehow. All the days you survived my rice and eggs… The hardest room, the most painful room that I’ve barely been in yet is the bedroom we shared. Thinking of the intimacy we shared together and the love I threw away causes my chest to tighten and I feel like I can’t breath. I’m ready to fully let myself feel this anguish because I need to feel it and understand what I’ve done. I think maybe my heart will have the mercy to just stop beating, but it doesn’t.

As I am going through the house cleaning and scrubbing away the grime that collects in a home that is uncared for it is a blatant physical reminder that I stopped caring for this home in the same way I stopped caring for our relationship. I was home only long enough to make a mess, I was with you only long enough to hurt you. I wasn’t here like I needed to be. If only I could scrub the damage that I’ve done to our hearts away like I scrub the grim from the refrigerator, but it doesn’t work like that.

I want to talk to you. I want to share with you what has brought me to this point of humility. I want to cry over and over again that I’m sorry and I’d do anything to undo what I’ve done. I know that’s not going to happen though. I can’t change anything in the past. I can’t make you forgive me. I can only change myself. I can only accept the person I am and strive for the person I know I can be. I don’t want to let the experiences of my childhood and youth continue to control who I am now. That was then, this is now. Those people can not hurt me any longer if I don’t let them. And you, you have never been one of those people. I don’t know how in the world we found each other, but I know it wasn’t an accident. I know that my life is completely changed because of you. I also know it is probably too late for us and I will spend the rest of my life in mourning that I didn’t understand earlier. I didn’t understand that by trying to protect myself I was hurting myself and you. I didn’t accept the fact that I could trust you and you were not going to hurt me. I thought so stupidly that if I gave my life to you, you would not want it. I thought marriage was something to run away from instead of being humble and grateful that I had found someone who wanted to spend their life with me. I am such a flawed human being. I am sad and alone and this is where I will live my life.

Forever Yours,

Me

The next several blogs will be letters I have wrote, most of them not sent. Names and locations have been changed.

August 27, 2011
Dear You,

I don’t know how to start, or even if I should be writing this, but here I am. Maybe you would be better off if I died or disappeared, but you are a better person than I am to give me the opportunity to even speak to you. I don’t want to run away from everything for the rest of my life and I think if I never met you I wouldn’t even know that I do it. I reread the letter you wrote me and gave me at the **** bout. At the time, I was too angry and proud to let any of what you had to say sink in. Well, I guess time goes by and now I have to say that you are right about everything. I am a screwed up person, I hurt myself and those around me by the way I handle, or don’t handle things. I let other’s influence me instead of trusting the people I should and I let my emotions take control of my actions. It’s a painful place to be, to see your flaws and your black heart laid out in front of you and to not be able to deny it. But, I need to be here and stay here as long as it takes to figure out how to change. I’m thirty years old, it’s time to change.

I wish I had met you when I was young. I wish you had known the girl who fell in love with someone and completely gave all of my heart to that person, and I wish that person had been you. Instead, I gave it to someone who stomped on it and tore it apart. I swore after that I would never give it fully to anyone again so I could not be hurt like that again. In our relationship, I thought that if I was the one in control, and if I didn’t need you then I could not be hurt again. I loved you, but I held back. I’m sorry. I’m scared to death that if I really love someone, then they will leave me. It’s easier to stay a step ahead of the game. Well I thought it was easier, but it’s just another way of hurting myself and the unfortunate person who loves me. I wish I could rip my heart out, drain all the bad blood in me and start over again.

You’re a good woman. You’ve been hurt, but somehow you’ve figured out how to keep loving. I wish I was like you. I will figure out how to be a person worthy of someone’s love. I don’t want to come with a warning label. I want to find the girl in me that loved unconditionally and without fail. I don’t like the cynical cold bitch that takes over…she needs to go. I hate what I am.

You’re in control of this. You do hold all the cards. I don’t deserve to speak to you or look you in the eye. I deserve to be alone for the rest of my life. For me to say thank you for letting me try to be your friend doesn’t seem like enough. Tell me what you want and don’t want from me and I will respect whatever you say.

From my heart,


Me