Me in Controll of Myself

I cut my own hair today...for the first time in my life. At the risk of letting you all know what a crack I am, I wanted to share this experience.

For the past week or so I haven't liked the way it's been looking. I had it cut a couple weeks ago and it was fine, but my hair grows so quickly that it ended up being short on the sides and really fluffy on top. This made my head look like a rectangle and gave me what I imagine to be a school teacher kind of look. That is so not what I'm going for! I'm a newly out lesbian; I want to flex my muscles, push the boundaries and do whatever the hell I please with myself.


So, I was sitting at my parents house doing some laundry and pet sitting their dog while they were out to a Christmas party. I had a few hours to kill, and knew they had a set of clippers. In the space of about five seconds I made a decision; I was going to do it. I grabbed the clippers, went into the bathroom and locked the door (to keep out the dog...I don't know.) I stripped down and stood in front of the mirror, clippers in hand. I turned them on and felt the familiar buzz, as I have cut men's hair plenty of times. With a deep breath, I started at the front of my head and made a slow pass backward. It felt wonderful. I felt like G.I. Jane minis the complete baldness. I used the longest attachment, which left my hair at an inch. Over and over I buzzed away until I was satisfied that everything was even and neat. I had to laugh at myself standing there covered in hair with a pile of it at my feet. I hoped in the shower to clean off and after I had styled what little hair I had left, I stood back to decide if I liked it. I do. I feel good. It looks more like me, more like I feel inside.


This is so much more than just a haircut to me. This is me saying "Fuck the world and what they think of me." I've lived my whole life doing the "right" think and worrying about how other people perceive me. I grew up completely immersed in the christian religion. I took everything they said as the truth and ignored anything inside me that said there might be a different way to live. In the church culture there is an expected way to look, to talk, to live your life. We were all the same and if we knew of anyone who was breaking out of that mold we shared prayer request (gossiped) about how they had strayed from the right path. I always knew deep in my self that I was different and didn't belong, but damned if I didn't try to fit in. I am at a place where I'm finally letting go of all that, finally doing what I think is right and not feeling guilty about it. I have never been so free. I feel like my life is full of possibilities and I'm ready to explore where it takes me.