Never Satisfied

I will always strive to be a better chainsaw artist. I will push myself to discover new techniques and to carve things that people have never seen before. I will make carvings larger and more impressive than I ever have and carvings smaller and more detailed than anyone would think I could do with a chainsaw. I will market my carvings to as large of an audience as I possibly can and make my business prosper. But, I will never be satisfied.

I will not allow my age or any physical limitations slow me down athletically. I will snowboard down steeper mountains and hit bigger jumps at faster speeds every time I have the opportunity. I will run longer and harder than I ever have. I will lift heavier weights and tone my body to match the image I have in my head. But, I will never be satisfied.

I will seek to know myself and project who I really am to the world around me. I will put aside all fear of rejection or prejudice and live my life on my terms. I will fight for equality and equal treatment. I will not back down to anyone for any reason. But, I will never be satisfied.

Maybe it's a character trait common to artist, I don't know. I do know that when I feel dissatisfied with my art and I begin to hate the type of carvings I am doing, that is when I grow and create something I didn't think I could attempt. It's a painful process, loathing the work you have spent so much of yourself on, but it's not until I hate what I'm doing that I have the courage to try something new.

I live my life on a fine line. I am a person who is always pushing the boundaries and limits, always wanting to do and be more. This mentality has pushed me to achieve success in many areas of my life. I don't allow myself to settle for mediocre and it shows in my art, my recreation and my values. The downside with this dissatisfaction is it causes a restlessness I have always had to deal with. Sometimes I let it guide me and sometimes I have to fight it. It can push me to become better, but it can also push me over the edge, steal my happiness and cause me to become wrapped up the pursuit of perfection.

I don't have a way to finish up this blog entry with a plan for handling this part of my personality. I'm still learning how to master this. I think if I became completely satisfied with my life then I would stop evolving and growing. But, on the flip side I have to be so careful to not get carried away with myself. I have to find that balance.

It's one degree outside...And I'm out there!!

We have been plunged into below zero temperatures the last couple days. I find myself at a complete loss for carving inspiration! Every year as I'm overly busy carving bears for everyone, I'm always thinking of other projects I'd like to try. But, by the time I finish with the bears, around mid-December, the snow hits and carving becomes more of a hassle than an art form. Have you ever tried to start a chainsaw in frigid weather? I'll tell you how it goes. After filling up the gas tank and poring in bar & chain oil that is more like the consistency of peanut butter, I give the pull cord a good yank only to find that the recoil is frozen and I find myself holding a chainsaw with a foot and a half of cord hanging out of it. Then I have to slowly nurse the cord back into place and try all over again. After about a half dozen of these exercises, the engine finally sputters to life if I'm lucky. I met a carver once who told me he owns an old railroad station that he carves in during the winter. How cool is that! But, as no old large buildings are available for me to carve in, I guess I'll have to think of something else.



My first idea is to simply get in all the carving I can from April to December and then sit back and let the winter go by without touching a chainsaw. To make this happen I would need to make and save (gasp) enough money to get me through those months of inactivity. Have I mentioned my saving record before? It is well below average, terrible really! I would have to give the money to someone I trusted and tell them to "keep it secret, keep it safe." I would love to make this a goal for 2010, but I'm almost afraid to because I've failed so horrible at it the last eight years of carving! I'm really going to have to determine if I have it in me to exercise the discipline this plan would require.



My second plan would also be pretty cool, but I'm not sure how I would work out the logistics of it. I think I would love to carve bears up here all summer and fall, then go to Florida and spend the winter months carving dolphins, sea captains, and those beautiful mythical creatures we call mermaids. Once again, probably not practical, but what fun that would be!

Ah, but for this winter you'll find me out in the frigid weather whenever I have to be. I'll be carving bears, moose ect...but I pretty sure I'll be imagining warmer weather, sandy beaches and something along the lines of the picture above.

The darker side of me

every road taken leads to a dead end
always searching, always running
out of breath, broken body and spirit
stumbling and falling to the ground
on my knees grasping for the pieces
slipping through my fingers
all that was striven for
is all that is unattainable
can't force away the bleak realization
the weight of a desperate life
pain will spread throughout
crushing every limb and organ
it greedily taints all i hold dear
reaching toward all who know me
i retreat to the solitude and silence
the familiar surroundings welcome me
a small flame of hope smolders still
push through this cold dark reality
find a road yet unseen
break away from the shadow
that surrounds and consumes me

Me in Controll of Myself

I cut my own hair today...for the first time in my life. At the risk of letting you all know what a crack I am, I wanted to share this experience.

For the past week or so I haven't liked the way it's been looking. I had it cut a couple weeks ago and it was fine, but my hair grows so quickly that it ended up being short on the sides and really fluffy on top. This made my head look like a rectangle and gave me what I imagine to be a school teacher kind of look. That is so not what I'm going for! I'm a newly out lesbian; I want to flex my muscles, push the boundaries and do whatever the hell I please with myself.


So, I was sitting at my parents house doing some laundry and pet sitting their dog while they were out to a Christmas party. I had a few hours to kill, and knew they had a set of clippers. In the space of about five seconds I made a decision; I was going to do it. I grabbed the clippers, went into the bathroom and locked the door (to keep out the dog...I don't know.) I stripped down and stood in front of the mirror, clippers in hand. I turned them on and felt the familiar buzz, as I have cut men's hair plenty of times. With a deep breath, I started at the front of my head and made a slow pass backward. It felt wonderful. I felt like G.I. Jane minis the complete baldness. I used the longest attachment, which left my hair at an inch. Over and over I buzzed away until I was satisfied that everything was even and neat. I had to laugh at myself standing there covered in hair with a pile of it at my feet. I hoped in the shower to clean off and after I had styled what little hair I had left, I stood back to decide if I liked it. I do. I feel good. It looks more like me, more like I feel inside.


This is so much more than just a haircut to me. This is me saying "Fuck the world and what they think of me." I've lived my whole life doing the "right" think and worrying about how other people perceive me. I grew up completely immersed in the christian religion. I took everything they said as the truth and ignored anything inside me that said there might be a different way to live. In the church culture there is an expected way to look, to talk, to live your life. We were all the same and if we knew of anyone who was breaking out of that mold we shared prayer request (gossiped) about how they had strayed from the right path. I always knew deep in my self that I was different and didn't belong, but damned if I didn't try to fit in. I am at a place where I'm finally letting go of all that, finally doing what I think is right and not feeling guilty about it. I have never been so free. I feel like my life is full of possibilities and I'm ready to explore where it takes me.

Ode to Snow

"Ode to Snow"

By: Chainsawchick

Every year I wait patiently
I rake my leaves and pack away lawn chairs
I watch the forecast expectantly
As Christmas draws nearer, I begin to get anxious
And then it happens!

"Winter in Upstate New York"

The temperature drops and the skies open
Lake effect snow falls heavenly and covers the ground
My heart beats faster and my eyes get bright
I imagine walking through the snow with my girl
Or long cozy evening spent in front of the fire

"Lesbian Snow Women"

I know that soon I will be flying down a mountain
I love the sound of my snowboard carving into the snow
The fear when approaching a jump
And the elation of landing it solidly
I love seeing girls on their boards reveling in their freedom

"Burton Snowboarding Camp for Women"
"me in the purple jacket"

There will be mornings when the stillness of the snow
Will be broken by the roar of my chainsaw
And the snow will be covered a sprinkling of flying sawdust
The frozen nose and fingers will be worth it
When I make what is in my mind into a beautiful new carving


"My first bear"

How to Become Famous (or at least a little famous)

I am one of a very few woman in this world who pick up a chainsaw everyday when they go to work. I can think of less than ten that I have heard of or found on the internet. I have to say, this does give me allot of satisfaction. Chainsaw carving is something I never ment to do, but it has turned out to be an interesting carreer none the less.

I have allot of fun with the different reactions I get when I tell people what I do. The most common is the wide eyed "Really, wow, that's different!" The feminist say, "You go girl!" and some of the old guys and gals just give me a disapproving glare and change the conversation. But, for the most part, people are very impressed and interested.

Anyhow, the point of this post is to begin sharing my plan. I have been carving for eight years now and although I've done okay for myself, I think it's time to take things up to a new level. I can sometimes be kind of a shy person and I'm not used to having the spotlight on me, but I think it's time for me to start marketing not only my carvings, but myself as well. Let's face it, there are hundreds of chainsaw carvers out there, some of them better than me, most of them older men with suspenders and beards. What can I do to make people want to come watch me carve, to buy my carvings? What do I have that allot of carvers don't? Dare I say sex appeal? Dare I say most people would rather stand and watch a good looking, well toned woman wielding a chainsaw than some guy with a beer belly? I know I would!

So, that is the beginning of the plan. I am working on getting into a fair that would put me in front of 8-10,000 people every weekend. Whatever scruples I have about "showing off" in public I'm sure I will quickly get over when the orders start coming in! For now, I'm going to hit the gym, tone those arms and abs and buy some killer tank tops to get ready for the summer.

So, how's your family??

Normally, anything that happens in this small town spreads like wildfire and everyone in the village and countryside has heard some version of the story within a couple days.




Strangely, my life is usually not like that. Apparently I have an incredibly private life and people rarely dare ask me any questions about my personal doings. I have been separated from my ex-husband for about three years now...and incredibly allot of people in this town still don't know it. It really confuses me. I haven't tried to hide it, we live in different houses, have different mailing addresses and are never seen together. You would think people would get the hint. Still every now and then I get asked a question that I'm not sure how to answer. Case and point, the other day I was in our tiny Post Office to get my mail. To give you an idea of how small our town is, my PO box number is less than thirty and the hallway that holds all the boxes is about twelve feet long. Anyhow, in comes this guy I have known forever. He was my mechanic for a long time and I think I may still owe him some money, but I can't remember for sure and he doesn't bring it up so I'm letting it slide for now.



He says to me, "Hows your family?" I think of my partner and daughter and I say with a smile, "We are all doing fine." But, after I thought about it for a little bit I realized, this guy is probably asking me about my ex and daughter because if he knew the real story he would of given me a sermon instead of a pleasantry. He is possibly the most catholic catholic person I have ever known; he goes to mass every single morning and has about twelve kids and counting. He is also very well known for sharing his opinion with anyone who wants it or not. Anyhow, this has nothing to do with my work or my plan or anything of importance, but aren't you glad I shared it with you!

My "Job"

I never knew what I wanted to be when I grew up. I never had a plan. I only knew it was going to be something different, something unexpected, and I hoped something great. Here I am now, a single mom, making my living with a chainsaw, carving anything and everything out of a block of wood.

I have to say it is a job that is different and unexpected, and I'm still hoping someday it will be great. My life has careened through many changes since beginning this career eight years ago. I've went from a "normal" woman with a husband and daughter, to church every Sunday and always the good girl,

to the talk of my small town. After my divorce, I moved away and then came back to live in this town...with my girlfriend.

I'm going to be writing this blog to share the ups and downs I experience as I go against the grain and live my life here on my own terms. I no longer am going to try to fit in, be normal and not ruffle anyone's feathers. I'm going to confidently move forward with my life, my work and my family.