Just what I think about...

2011-11-01T11:28:00.000-07:00

September 3, 2011
Dear You,

As much as I want to believe that we will be and should be together, I just don’t know. I think maybe it is too late. I think that we could have had a happy life together, but we will also be happy on our own. You are an amazing person and I will always be grateful that you were in my life and I will always love you.

You’re moving away, moving downstate to be closer to your family. I don’t blame you. I have to live my life here. This is where my daughter is and I can’t leave her. I also can’t ask you to move up here again because you really don’t belong here I guess. You belong with your family; you need that support.

I’m trying to imagine my life without you and I don’t have a very clear picture yet. I do believe that I am going to be happy because life is too short to waste it on unhappiness and regret. I will always grieve the loss of the life we could have had together, but I have to create a new life. I’ve lost the chance to be happy with you and I just don’t see how to fix that. I hope you find happiness, more than even you could have had with me. I hope you find a career that’s fulfilling, good friends and good love. I want the best for you.

I hope that as we each move forward with our lives we will stay in touch at least a little. It’s hard to do that, and it’s easy to loose track of people I know. I guess time will tell what happens to us. If you ever need me for anything, please know I’m here for you. I mean that. Don’t hesitate to reach out to me.

Love,

Me

2011-10-28T09:45:00.000-07:00

August 29, 2011
Dear You,

I know the likely hood of you ever reading my words to you is slim to none. Maybe that’s what makes them just a little easier to write. It’s a cleansing I guess, a pouring out of my heart to you. I rarely did that when I had the opportunity and now I’m here on this stupid computer writing to no one. Today the sun is shinning, but my mood better fits yesterday’s weather. The tears streaming down my face more closely resemble the water running down the window pane from the storm yesterday. This glaring sunshine has no place for me right now.

We messaged a little bit on facebook today. Just a little and then you had to go because she and the boys were waiting for you. I wanted to scream out NO! I am waiting for you! But I said, K, Bye! How many months, years will go by before I can speak the truth to you. I know I can’t just gush and gush what I am feeling to you right now. It wouldn’t do anything, but push you away. It would scare you and you wouldn’t believe me anyhow. It’s going to take time, lots of time. But I have time, I’m not going anywhere. You say you’re happy, you say she’s everything you want and need, but I know that’s not true. Well maybe it’s true now, but it won’t be always. She is not the one for you, I am. She was there to hold you when I let you down and that is why you love her. She’s easy to be with; she follows you around because she knows you do not really belong to her. Someday something will happen, she will let you down, you will get bored…I don’t know what it’s going to be, but I am going to be right there ready to catch you.

Have you heard Adele’s new song, Someone Like You? It’s really something isn’t it? I want to send it to you, accept I don’t agree that I will find someone like you. There is no one like you. You’re one of a kind my love. There are so many songs that say things I wish I could say to you, but those thoughts will not leave my mouth. They flow through my fingers onto these pages, but you will not hear them. I will make small talk with you. I’ll ask how you’re doing and if there’s anything I can do for you. I hope maybe sometime I will get to see you, but I don’t know if I’m ready for that. I don’t know if I can be in the same room you are without sobbing because you don’t belong to me anymore. I feel like I took the wheel of a truck and drove it over my own heart. I don’t blame you for pulling your heart away from mine so it would not get crushed as well. Can I rise from the dead? Can I live again and be happy? I don’t know. I just don’t know right now.

Sadness

I opened my eyes slowly toward a blinding light.
I sat up and saw pools of crimson blood surrounding me.
It stained my white sheets and was smeared over my legs and stomach.
What happened, who would do this to me?
I examined the wound on my chest, the jagged rip above my left breast.
I could see a gapping hole where my heart should have been.
How was I breathing, what in the world was happening?
I looked down then and saw my heart in my left hand.
It was still beating, thick dark blood oozing from the slashes that covered it.
Then I looked to my right.
My fingers clutched a jagged evil looking black knife.
Blood covered the handle and dripped from my knuckles.
I did this to myself. I remembered now.
I hung my head and sobbed.
As I shook the blood continued to leak from my chest.
It mixed with the tears that poured from my eyes.

2011-10-26T10:35:00.000-07:00

August 28, 2011
Dear You,

I’ve been crying deep gut wrenching sobs, the kind that feel like they are tearing apart your body. I cleaned our bedroom today. I found pictures my daughter drew of our family. I found cards you gave me and a paper where we had written your first name with my last name four times in different ways. I found your black suit jacket, the suit jacket I love so much on you. I also found two cards you left for me, one for mother’s day and one for our anniversary. I ignored the pain each new find brought up. I knew if I stopped cleaning and gave into it the room would never get done. I threw away all the garbage, washed the clothes, swept and mopped the floor. I brought in my old bed and set it up in place of where ours used to sit. Then I looked around and let myself begin to grieve. I pulled your jacket from the floor and laid it out on the bed. It’s so small; the shoulders so narrow, small and perfect like you. I picked up the cards and sat down on the bed. First I read the mother’s day card. It said how lucky you and my daughter were to have me in your lives. I laughed at the untruth of that statement. Then I read the anniversary card you gave to me. I didn’t even remember the things you said in it because I was so blind and stupid when you gave it to me. The love and devotion you felt toward me is so clear in every word. That’s when they started. I breathed deeply and let the pain take over every inch of me. I don’t know how long I cried, how long I clutched your jacket to my chest and cursed myself for ruining my life, our life. I sat in front of the mirror and told myself that this is my life now and nothing I can do will change it. I’m trying to accept that, trying to understand that you are truly gone. I don’t know if I have yet. I’m afraid that if I do these dark and dangerous thoughts that have been swirling in my mind will take over. I wonder if everyone wouldn’t be better off if I wasn’t here, everyone including me.

Me

2011-10-25T06:26:00.000-07:00

August 28, 2011
Dear You,

You responded to the letter I wrote you. You said, “Ok. After looking through things, I cannot say this enough; I am not going back. I am so happy with who I am and where my life is. I love her so very much. She is everything I want and need. I will not give that up. If you can’t handle that, I’m sorry, but that is your problem, not mine. I need you to understand that completely.” I wrote you back saying I did understand completely. You then wrote, “I saw your posts on Facebook. I appreciate the apology, you know that. At the risk of sounding cruel, that is just something you will need to live with.” I told you that it wasn’t cruel, it was true. I said I expect nothing of you and I just want you to be happy.

I’m so glad you wrote me. I know you don’t want to be with me and you’ve moved on to someone else, but you wrote me. You read my letter and you looked back through my Facebook post. You cared enough to do that and for now, that is enough.

I’m sitting here now accepting the reality that I am going to live this life alone. It strangely almost feels like a relief. I know my future now and I can accept it. Two things are possibly going to happen. Either you will forgive me and someday we will be together, or I will learn to be content with myself and my life alone.

I need to learn to change the way I think about you and relate to you. Basically, I need to learn to be loyal and friendly, which will be no problem. But, I have to get rid of the sex…I’m not sure yet how I’m going to do that. How am I going to sit next to you and not think about making love to you? That has always been my thought process. I promise to try not to think about the hundred times we made love together. I will not imagine how beautiful you looked lying naked in my arms. I will not think about the way your skin felt under my lips, the way your tongue tasted on mine. I won’t remember how easily you made me cry out in ecstasy over and over again until I couldn’t breathe or speak. I won’t hear the echoes of the beautiful sounds that came from your lips as I made love to you. Truthfully, I can’t promise that I won’t think of you that way, but I do promise not a word will come out of my mouth about it.

Right now all this is choking me with emotion. I don’t wear mascara any more because it never stays on. I cry every day. Right now, it feels like I screwed up my life and I’ll never be happy again. I pray that as time goes by the acute pain will subside and I can find some kind of contentment. I hope you are part of that contentment in whatever small way you will allow me to be a part of your life.

Forever yours,

Me

2011-10-24T10:27:00.000-07:00

August 28, 2011
Dear You,

It’s a rainy windy day. I’m breathing deeply, thinking deeply and missing you. You’re away at your friend’s wedding. I was suppose to be there with you, but I’m not because I let you down.

I have been doing so much reading, so much soul searching. I’m beginning to see the patterns in my life. I’m starting to understand what molded me, what experiences shaped how I react to things in my life. I have been working allot on looking at myself objectively and figuring out why I do the things I do. I’ve never really done anything like this before. I mean, in passing I have pondered things and wondered why I act certain ways, but I’ve never really delved deep and let myself feel the pain/anger/whatever it is I need to feel.

You know, I went for months running away from you, before and after the breakup. Well, actually I guess I’ve always been running away from you. I’m so used to being in love with someone who was not able to love me. Right from the start he was in love with someone else and I realize now, that made it safe for me. I don’t know how I was lucky enough for you to find me. You came along ready to love me and accept me right where I was. You stuck by me for two years as I was constantly changing and discovering myself. You fell in love with me, the true me that I couldn’t even see yet. You saw me. I was so afraid to let you in, I was afraid that if you saw the real me, you would hate me, know that I wasn’t worthy of love.

I behaved badly and ignored you at the games because I knew that if I looked you in the eye, if I spoke to you, you would look right through my defenses and know in an instant that my heart was hurting for you. I couldn’t let you see that, I wasn’t ready to give up my pride and I also knew, still do I guess, that you might be happier without me. I’m sorry that I acted so coldly toward you.

Now… now I don’t know what the future holds. I do know that I will do whatever it takes to become the person I was meant to be. I do have a good heart and I know I’m capable of living a loving and worthwhile life. I will strip away the negative and self-destructive patterns from my life and let my heart shine through. I believe deep inside that you and I are meant to be together. It was no accident the day you found me and smiled. It was perfect timing that I was in the same city as you, ready to come out of the closet and you were there ready to find a real life partner to love you. Whatever force is out there in the world knew that our souls should walk this world together. I’ve made such a mess out of everything and I know that for me to ever hope for you to give me another chance is almost impossible. I know you are with someone else now. I know the reality of things looks bleak right now. But, I also know and I believe that you and I will grow old together. Or maybe I will grow old alone. I just hope I will always know you. I hope I will always be a part of your life. And if you ever do give me another chance to love you, my life will be complete and happy. If you ever do give me another chance to love you, you will spend you life with someone completely devoted to you. My heart is forever yours.

Love,

Me

2011-10-23T15:35:00.000-07:00

August 27, 2011
Dear You,

I’m going to try to explain to you, as well as figure out myself, what happened and why. It’s going to be messy and probably won’t make very good sense, but it’s a start.

The girl who couldn’t sleep until I gave you an engagement ring and ask you to marry me is the girl who I am inside. It was a moment of pure truth and I was not afraid to show you my true feelings. I wish I could have stayed in touch with my feelings instead of letting my hang ups take over. Anyhow, I don’t know when the roots of my insecurity began to take hold, but they did. I started my sport because I felt I needed something exciting and distracting. I met her there and I felt very attracted to her and I should have said to myself, okay I’m attracted to someone, that’s normal, I’m going to go home to my wife now. Instead, I felt guilty, I felt there must be something wrong with me, with us, and I kept it a secret. It started to tear me apart inside, I felt like I was cheating on you. I handled it terribly and it just got worse and worse. Then, a old friend came back into my life and wanted to be friends. I very foolishly believed him. I talked to him about the attraction I felt for this other woman and he advised me to leave our relationship because clearly I wasn’t ready to be in a committed relationship. I thought he was my friend, I thought he was right. When I talked to our therapist, he said the same things. I had convinced myself by then that I needed to get out of the relationship and be free to roam. I was wrong and stupid. As soon as I got out of our relationship, my friend showed his true colors, he did not want to be friends. I realize now the attraction I felt for the girl on my team should have been nothing, but I let it ruin me. I realize now that I was attracted to her because she was unavailable and it’s my sad tendency to pursue people that are unavailable because it’s a way to keep from getting close to anyone.

So there’s my stupid story. There are so many little things that happened, so many thoughts and emotions. So many times that I wished I would had have the presence of mind to say, wait, this is not who you are. I should have done whatever it took to get off the train I was on. I should have told the guy to go fuck himself and I should have told you about the girl. I did everything wrong and nothing right. I stopped trusting you, I stopped trusting us.

Now, how have I gotten to this place of acceptance? Believe it or not, it started with meeting a team trainer. We talked about so much more than roller derby. There was an energy about her that drew me and I had to talk to her. She got me thinking about spiritualism and living a life so differently than I had been raised to do. Everything I was taught and the way I lived is so wrong. I’m searching now, reading, looking for the truth. I am slowly realizing that I don’t have to keep repeating the same patterns that I learned as a child and that I have continued thus far in my life. Life doesn’t have to be about protecting myself from everyone. Someone like you is not out to hurt me and I don’t have to push you away. I know this is all coming too late, but I want you to know it. You are the person in my life that I can trust, the person who saw the good in me long before I did. In whatever capacity you will let me be a part of your life, I will strive to earn your company.

Sincerely,

Me

2011-10-22T12:18:00.000-07:00

August 27, 2011
Dear You,

Since I left you I have been living at my parent’s house. Isn’t it sad how easily I revert to my comfort zone. But, I realize that the place I feel safe is in reality the place that does the most damage to my spirit. I can’t possibly be healthy living in an environment where my very being is condemned and judged. I don’t fit in with their ideas of morality and spirituality. I am gay, I was born this way and I’ll die this way, but it’s not okay with them. How can I strive toward a positive spiritual and emotional journey surrounded by those negative bonds? I can’t and I realize that now.

I am moving back into the home we shared for as long as they will allow me to live here or until I find something else. I avoided this place for months because of the sad memories of my failings and horrible mistakes. I also avoided it because of the wonderful painful memories of moments spent here with you. I look at the chair by the window and remember a day that we fought and yelled at each other. I sat down in that chair and began to weep. You came to me, accepted me as I was and wrapped your strong beautiful arms around me. I walk in the kitchen and remember how many meals we prepared there as a family. Neither of us can cook to save our lives, but we kept each other fed somehow. All the days you survived my rice and eggs… The hardest room, the most painful room that I’ve barely been in yet is the bedroom we shared. Thinking of the intimacy we shared together and the love I threw away causes my chest to tighten and I feel like I can’t breath. I’m ready to fully let myself feel this anguish because I need to feel it and understand what I’ve done. I think maybe my heart will have the mercy to just stop beating, but it doesn’t.

As I am going through the house cleaning and scrubbing away the grime that collects in a home that is uncared for it is a blatant physical reminder that I stopped caring for this home in the same way I stopped caring for our relationship. I was home only long enough to make a mess, I was with you only long enough to hurt you. I wasn’t here like I needed to be. If only I could scrub the damage that I’ve done to our hearts away like I scrub the grim from the refrigerator, but it doesn’t work like that.

I want to talk to you. I want to share with you what has brought me to this point of humility. I want to cry over and over again that I’m sorry and I’d do anything to undo what I’ve done. I know that’s not going to happen though. I can’t change anything in the past. I can’t make you forgive me. I can only change myself. I can only accept the person I am and strive for the person I know I can be. I don’t want to let the experiences of my childhood and youth continue to control who I am now. That was then, this is now. Those people can not hurt me any longer if I don’t let them. And you, you have never been one of those people. I don’t know how in the world we found each other, but I know it wasn’t an accident. I know that my life is completely changed because of you. I also know it is probably too late for us and I will spend the rest of my life in mourning that I didn’t understand earlier. I didn’t understand that by trying to protect myself I was hurting myself and you. I didn’t accept the fact that I could trust you and you were not going to hurt me. I thought so stupidly that if I gave my life to you, you would not want it. I thought marriage was something to run away from instead of being humble and grateful that I had found someone who wanted to spend their life with me. I am such a flawed human being. I am sad and alone and this is where I will live my life.

Forever Yours,

Me

2011-10-21T14:17:00.000-07:00

The next several blogs will be letters I have wrote, most of them not sent. Names and locations have been changed.

August 27, 2011
Dear You,

I don’t know how to start, or even if I should be writing this, but here I am. Maybe you would be better off if I died or disappeared, but you are a better person than I am to give me the opportunity to even speak to you. I don’t want to run away from everything for the rest of my life and I think if I never met you I wouldn’t even know that I do it. I reread the letter you wrote me and gave me at the **** bout. At the time, I was too angry and proud to let any of what you had to say sink in. Well, I guess time goes by and now I have to say that you are right about everything. I am a screwed up person, I hurt myself and those around me by the way I handle, or don’t handle things. I let other’s influence me instead of trusting the people I should and I let my emotions take control of my actions. It’s a painful place to be, to see your flaws and your black heart laid out in front of you and to not be able to deny it. But, I need to be here and stay here as long as it takes to figure out how to change. I’m thirty years old, it’s time to change.

I wish I had met you when I was young. I wish you had known the girl who fell in love with someone and completely gave all of my heart to that person, and I wish that person had been you. Instead, I gave it to someone who stomped on it and tore it apart. I swore after that I would never give it fully to anyone again so I could not be hurt like that again. In our relationship, I thought that if I was the one in control, and if I didn’t need you then I could not be hurt again. I loved you, but I held back. I’m sorry. I’m scared to death that if I really love someone, then they will leave me. It’s easier to stay a step ahead of the game. Well I thought it was easier, but it’s just another way of hurting myself and the unfortunate person who loves me. I wish I could rip my heart out, drain all the bad blood in me and start over again.

You’re a good woman. You’ve been hurt, but somehow you’ve figured out how to keep loving. I wish I was like you. I will figure out how to be a person worthy of someone’s love. I don’t want to come with a warning label. I want to find the girl in me that loved unconditionally and without fail. I don’t like the cynical cold bitch that takes over…she needs to go. I hate what I am.

You’re in control of this. You do hold all the cards. I don’t deserve to speak to you or look you in the eye. I deserve to be alone for the rest of my life. For me to say thank you for letting me try to be your friend doesn’t seem like enough. Tell me what you want and don’t want from me and I will respect whatever you say.

From my heart,

Me

Music for my Spirit

2010-11-27T06:53:00.001-08:00

+

A few months ago I heard the news that one of my all time favorite Christian artist came out as a lesbian. I can't tell you how great this made me feel. I dug out all her old songs that I hadn't listened to since I came out of the closet and left the church.

Knowing that she was "one of us" put her music in a whole different light. I could hear the struggles and pain she was going through just like I had.

Today I went to her website and have been listening to her new music. I wish I wasn't so broke so I could buy the CD! Oh well, at least I can listen to it. It's fucking awesome! She writes songs that express the things I feel but can't even begin to vocalize.

I hope that she is successful. I hope that she keeps making music and I hope that I will get to meet her someday.

The Old, Current and New

2010-11-19T12:42:00.000-08:00

I began this blog almost a year ago, but after a few post I let it fall silent. Why? I guess it was a combination of busyness and a feeling that no one was reading it anyhow. I've thought about picking it back up a few times, but have hesitated. Today I begin writing simply because my mind is crammed with confusion and I have no other place to vent at the moment.

When I stopped writing last year I was working as a laborer to pay the bills. It was a job that was hard as hell, but I enjoyed it until one fateful day I lifted something I shouldn't have and caused damage to my back that has been irreversible and ongoing. I've pushed through it for eight months while trying to continue my career as a chainsaw carver. It has only been in the last couple months that I have realized the end of my time as a chainsaw wielding artist is inevitable. I can no longer continue to push myself believing that my body will heal and I can continue carving indefinitely. It has been a scary revelation because I've been carving for almost ten years and it's the only thing that I have been very successful at. Where do I go from here? Who do I become?

I know I can not go back to a nine to five job. I've been my own boss and made my own hours for so long that getting paid by the hour just doesn't make sense to me. No matter how hard you work, you receive the same wage with small raises occasionally if you're lucky. The steady paychecks are nice, but that's not enough to make the job satisfying. A downside of looking for a new carreer is my severe lack of education. I am a highschool graduate. That's it. When I fill out a job application the spaces for continuing education are left very blank. The one thing I try to include is my military training a a journalist/public affairs officer. At least it's something to put in there.

I have been pondering for some time what to do after carving and here is what I've decided. I am going to become a real estate agent. Once again, I am very scared at the thought of beginning something new, but I think this is going to be the best path to take. The education is a 70-hour course and then on the job training. I know about houses, I know a little about advertising and computers and I am a self starter as they say. I don't enjoy bosses looking over my shoulder and this is a carreer where I will have allot of freedom to do things how I think they should be done. I just hope I am good at it and I hope it is proffitable.

I'm looking forward to dressing well and not being covered in sawdust every day. It will be nice to find out how it feels to get a paycheck that didn't come from sweat and physical exhaustion. I'd like to become well known in the community and be a powerful force for equality in our small town and beyond as well.

There are obsticals and so many things that I still need to figure out. I feel stressed and unsure about the outcome, but deep inside myself I believe this will work if I don't give up and don't screw up.

The Rebel

2010-03-11T02:41:00.000-08:00

Have you guys heard of the new movie coming out called "The Runaways?" This is a movie about the all girl band of the late seventies. They were four teenage girls rocking just as hard as the boys. They did their own thing and they were a huge hit. Because of my tender age and conservative upbringing I didn't know about the band until a couple years ago. Their lead singer, Cherie Curry is now an accomplished chainsaw artist. I came across her site and we exchanges several emails, just one chainsaw carving girl to another. Now, I found out she is this big celebrity. Pretty cool, huh? Anyhow, thinking about what those girls did and what Cherie does now got me thinking...

Am I truly a rebel, or am I just playing at it? I like to think of myself as a free spirit, one who goes against the grain and does what people say can't be done. But, although I have taken my own road on many issues, there is still a very strong part of my identity tied to the social conformity that I was raised with. I was brought up to be a good person, fit in and follow all the rules.
I try so hard to just be myself and act on how I feel, but it's a conscious effort to do so. It seems I have these built in filters always monitoring how I act and what I say. They say, "What are other people going to think of you?" Everyday I have to constantly remind myself to ignore the filters and just be who I am. Who gives a damn what other people think! I will never accomplish anything great if I am too busy just trying to keep everyone happy!
My goal is to simply let out the rebel that has been repressed for so long. That doesn't mean I'm going to go out and get ten facial piercings and twenty-five tattoos, although I will if I feel like it. I just want to let my spirit be free to feel, say and create whatever it comes up with. The filters are coming off, god save the queen.

The Two New Women in my Life

2010-02-19T02:53:00.001-08:00

There are two women who came into my life about a month ago that I think about all the time. They are the two main characters of my book. Without further ado, let me introduce them to you.

This is Abigale, but everyone knows her as Abby. She's a born and raised New York City girl, a punk, an artist, outspoken and rough around the edges. She clings to her independence, but deeply needs to be loved as well. Her past has left her jaded and she is increasingly unhappy with her present, but the future holds trials that may break her and a love that can heal her heart if she is strong enough to see it through.

Laura is the picture of a sweet country girl. A girl who has had the same friends since childhood and who married her high school sweetheart. A tragic loss has left her heart open and bleeding. As she struggles to come to terms with her present reality, she meets a girl unlike anyone she has ever known. She is swept off her feet, but is her new love capable of giving her the loyalty and intimacy she craves?

These two women are in my thoughts constantly. I wish I could shut out the world and write to my hearts content, but sadly that's not an option for me. I have to write what I can when I can and I just hope I can do them justice.

The Novel in my Mind

2010-02-18T02:50:00.000-08:00

About a month ago I decided to write a novel. I think at some point or other almost everyone feels that they could or should write a book and I guess this is my time. I have always been a bit of a writer. In school I loved writing short stories and even book reports and such were enjoyable. I filled several notebooks during my teenage years with pages and pages of journaling and of coarse in the Army National Guard, they paid me to be a journalist. But, all the writing I've done is nothing compared to what it will take to put out a full length novel which is about 60,000 words!

Anyone who knows me knows that my mind moves from one thing to another rather quickly. It's hard for me to remain focused on one project for too long. I guess that's why I'm a chainsaw artist, things happen in a hurry when your using a chainsaw! I knew that in order to start and finish this book I needed a strong conviction of why I'm doing it. I knew I needed to write about characters and themes that are important to me.

I bought a small notebook and began to carry it in my back pocket. I scribbled in it before work, during breaks and in the evenings. I ran my ideas past my partner for her input. Eventually I worked out the two main characters and the basics of the story. I had a hard time figuring out how to start the book, but I think I've got it now.

It's time for me to jump in and begin this book, but I find myself hesitating. I'm happy with my characters and story line. I feel I have a good story to tell. I think I'm scared to start for the fear of not finishing. What a tragedy it would be to begin a story and then leave it unfinished! On the other hand, it would feel so amazing to have a book in front of me that I thought of and wrote, and if it ever got published it would be the icing on the cake. This story is important to me. The characters are a part of me and the issues they deal with are things that I feel strongly about. This book will be a way for me to express myself and create something worth while.

Tomorrow I will give you a glimpse of the two main characters. Tonight, I'm going to sit down and begin typing out my story. If I don't start it, I will always regret not trying.

2010-02-17T02:53:00.000-08:00

Have you ever wanted to write, but the words just won't come out. I guess that has pretty much defined my writing for the last month. Snatches of inspiration come and go through my mind, but nothing has stuck and developed enough to even begin to write about. My life has settled into a pretty predictable pattern. Get up, go to work, come home, make supper, go to bed. I'm getting paid every Friday, grocery shopping, paying the bills and doing all the things a responsible person does. Boring right? I know.

However, under the guise of this simple life, my off kilter mind is still at work. I'm making plans for my chainsaw carving business. If at all possible I am going to be changing my carving location this spring. Currently I am carving at my parent's home, which is convenient, but very limiting. My partner and I have to pretend to "just be friends" whenever we are over there, which kills me! She'll be bending over painting on of my bears, cleavage all over the place, and I can't do a damn thing about it...that is just cruel and unusual punishment!

I'm also setting up an appointment for my first tattoo. Through a friend of a friend we found a really good artist who wants to trade tattoo for carving. Sweet! The hard part is his location, about seven hours away, but we'll work it out. I'm thinking about getting a small set of wings on my left arm to start out and I'll see how I like it and go from there.

Next time I check in, I'll tell you all about the book I'm working on. I'm surrounded by writers and just can't help myself. I have to try my hand at fiction writing. I've got the characters and the story line ready to go, it's just a matter of having the time and dedication to get it done!

See ya later!

A Love Poem

2010-01-10T17:58:00.001-08:00

When my eyes see only black and red, death and despair, hopeless dead ends in every direction

Your touch brings the light, the colors of morning and a new landscape before me

When I'm crushed beneath the relentless weight of my past, the bricks of self doubt

Your hands search until they find my pulse and you rescue me from the ruble

Only you know the heart the beats in me, only you see the bruises and scars

You reach inside and heal the pain, you tell me there's hope and I believe you

My year in review

2010-01-04T17:56:00.000-08:00

(I started this entry as a look at the past year and it is basically morphing into my coming out story. I will have to feed it to you in instalments due to time constrains i.e. work!)

I heard today on the radio that twenty ten is the proper way to say the year we are in...who knew, well, now we do. I have been meaning to share some thoughts on what this past year meant to me. New years are always kind of a big deal for me. I'm not down with resolutions because let's face it, I don't have anywhere near enough discipline to actually make them happen. But, I do like to take the opportunity to reflect on where I've been and where I'm going.

I call 2008 "the lost year" It was a year of floundering, confusion, pain and disappointment.

Two thousand nine was an incredibly life changing year for me. When I think back about where I was only 365 days ago, it blows my mind. I was living with my parents, my entire life held in one room. My chainsaw carvings were not selling, but I didn't have the ambition to get a different job. My entire life and thought process was wrapped up in the struggle of coming to terms with my sexuality. I couldn't believe the way I was feeling, but I couldn't deny it. I looked back on my life and every piece fit into place, everything that didn't make sense as a strait woman made perfect sense as a lesbian. I pushed it out of my head, I prayed it would go away, prayed for forgiveness, but I knew that I would not be a peace with myself until I let what I was feeling come out into the light and take me where it wanted to go.

Anyone who knows me, knows I am an all or nothing kind of person. I don't test the waters, I jump in from the highest ledge I can find. I started reading anything and everything I could find about women who love women, I posted an add on an Internet dating sight and made plans to move to Las Vegas because there was no way in hell I was going to be gay in the small town where I grew up.

A new job = A whole new ball game.

2010-01-01T04:38:00.000-08:00

I have a new job! I will always be a chainsaw artist, that is not going anywhere, but, after Christmas there are no more orders till May and it's to fucking cold outside anyhow!

So, mid-December I started job hunting and didn't have any success as I live in a crazy poor and depressed area...lucky me. Why do I live here? I keep asking myself that, but I will deal with that question later. For now, this is where I am. Anyhow, on the Tuesday before Christmas I got a call about a job I applied for and they wanted me to start the very next morning. Of coarse I said I'd be there! Wednesday morning I showed up at 6:45 ready to work. The place where I am working is only ten minutes from my house which is nice since my truck is a bit of a gas guzzler. There are about twenty guys working there and they make trailers, as in snowmobile, ATV, car haulers and utility trailers. My job is to make flats as they call them. I get the welded together aluminum frame and attach the tongue, the hitch, run the wiring, hook up the lights, put on the axle and tires, fit in and screw down the plywood decking and finally put on all the decals and I'm done.

The good:

A steady paycheck is a beautiful thing! Granted, I can make more in one day chainsaw carving than I do in a week of working here, but for now, this is a good thing because there is no chainsaw carving to be had.

Working with a bunch of rough and tumble guys is a whole lot of fun. I get a rush out of flexing my muscles and showing them that a female can do just as well at this as they can! They said I am the first woman to ever build flats and from all accounts, I am doing a damn good job at it so far.

Having a job away from the home is actually making my personal life better. I love my beautiful partner, but being together 24/7 is never good for any relationship. Now, I think about her while I'm out working and plan all the things I want to do to/with her when I get home. I love pulling into the driveway and seeing her through the window, I love walking through the door and kissing her because I've been gone all day and we miss each other. I love telling her about my day and hearing about hers.

The bad:

As I kind of touched on earlier, the pay is, um, minimal. And, the hours right now are INSANE! I work from seven in the morning till six at night everyday and five hours on Saturday...fifty-five hours a week of hard physical labor. Ah, builds character, or some shit like that.

Working with a bunch of rough and tumble guys is incredibly tiring. Forcing my female body to keep up with the guys is something I've always done, but this is a whole new level of masochism. I am pushing myself through some pretty bad pain to excel at this job. My legs are covered in bruises and my hands are cut to hell. I'm trying to figure out different ways to do this job just as well without so much physical strain. For instance, the guy who showed me how to build the trailers would slam on the plywood with his hands to force it into place under the rails and I have learned that using a rubber mallet works just as well without the pain.

So, this is my new job, my new time consuming painful, but paycheck every week job. Stay tuned for more exciting entries!

Never Satisfied

2009-12-19T19:25:00.000-08:00

I will always strive to be a better chainsaw artist. I will push myself to discover new techniques and to carve things that people have never seen before. I will make carvings larger and more impressive than I ever have and carvings smaller and more detailed than anyone would think I could do with a chainsaw. I will market my carvings to as large of an audience as I possibly can and make my business prosper. But, I will never be satisfied.

I will not allow my age or any physical limitations slow me down athletically. I will snowboard down steeper mountains and hit bigger jumps at faster speeds every time I have the opportunity. I will run longer and harder than I ever have. I will lift heavier weights and tone my body to match the image I have in my head. But, I will never be satisfied.

I will seek to know myself and project who I really am to the world around me. I will put aside all fear of rejection or prejudice and live my life on my terms. I will fight for equality and equal treatment. I will not back down to anyone for any reason. But, I will never be satisfied.

Maybe it's a character trait common to artist, I don't know. I do know that when I feel dissatisfied with my art and I begin to hate the type of carvings I am doing, that is when I grow and create something I didn't think I could attempt. It's a painful process, loathing the work you have spent so much of yourself on, but it's not until I hate what I'm doing that I have the courage to try something new.

I live my life on a fine line. I am a person who is always pushing the boundaries and limits, always wanting to do and be more. This mentality has pushed me to achieve success in many areas of my life. I don't allow myself to settle for mediocre and it shows in my art, my recreation and my values. The downside with this dissatisfaction is it causes a restlessness I have always had to deal with. Sometimes I let it guide me and sometimes I have to fight it. It can push me to become better, but it can also push me over the edge, steal my happiness and cause me to become wrapped up the pursuit of perfection.

I don't have a way to finish up this blog entry with a plan for handling this part of my personality. I'm still learning how to master this. I think if I became completely satisfied with my life then I would stop evolving and growing. But, on the flip side I have to be so careful to not get carried away with myself. I have to find that balance.

It's one degree outside...And I'm out there!!

2009-12-18T05:49:00.000-08:00

We have been plunged into below zero temperatures the last couple days. I find myself at a complete loss for carving inspiration! Every year as I'm overly busy carving bears for everyone, I'm always thinking of other projects I'd like to try. But, by the time I finish with the bears, around mid-December, the snow hits and carving becomes more of a hassle than an art form. Have you ever tried to start a chainsaw in frigid weather? I'll tell you how it goes. After filling up the gas tank and poring in bar & chain oil that is more like the consistency of peanut butter, I give the pull cord a good yank only to find that the recoil is frozen and I find myself holding a chainsaw with a foot and a half of cord hanging out of it. Then I have to slowly nurse the cord back into place and try all over again. After about a half dozen of these exercises, the engine finally sputters to life if I'm lucky. I met a carver once who told me he owns an old railroad station that he carves in during the winter. How cool is that! But, as no old large buildings are available for me to carve in, I guess I'll have to think of something else.

My first idea is to simply get in all the carving I can from April to December and then sit back and let the winter go by without touching a chainsaw. To make this happen I would need to make and save (gasp) enough money to get me through those months of inactivity. Have I mentioned my saving record before? It is well below average, terrible really! I would have to give the money to someone I trusted and tell them to "keep it secret, keep it safe." I would love to make this a goal for 2010, but I'm almost afraid to because I've failed so horrible at it the last eight years of carving! I'm really going to have to determine if I have it in me to exercise the discipline this plan would require.

My second plan would also be pretty cool, but I'm not sure how I would work out the logistics of it. I think I would love to carve bears up here all summer and fall, then go to Florida and spend the winter months carving dolphins, sea captains, and those beautiful mythical creatures we call mermaids. Once again, probably not practical, but what fun that would be!

Ah, but for this winter you'll find me out in the frigid weather whenever I have to be. I'll be carving bears, moose ect...but I pretty sure I'll be imagining warmer weather, sandy beaches and something along the lines of the picture above.

The darker side of me

2009-12-13T17:32:00.000-08:00

every road taken leads to a dead end
always searching, always running
out of breath, broken body and spirit
stumbling and falling to the ground
on my knees grasping for the pieces
slipping through my fingers
all that was striven for
is all that is unattainable
can't force away the bleak realization
the weight of a desperate life
pain will spread throughout
crushing every limb and organ
it greedily taints all i hold dear
reaching toward all who know me
i retreat to the solitude and silence
the familiar surroundings welcome me
a small flame of hope smolders still
push through this cold dark reality
find a road yet unseen
break away from the shadow
that surrounds and consumes me

Me in Controll of Myself

2009-12-12T16:51:00.000-08:00

I cut my own hair today...for the first time in my life. At the risk of letting you all know what a crack I am, I wanted to share this experience.

For the past week or so I haven't liked the way it's been looking. I had it cut a couple weeks ago and it was fine, but my hair grows so quickly that it ended up being short on the sides and really fluffy on top. This made my head look like a rectangle and gave me what I imagine to be a school teacher kind of look. That is so not what I'm going for! I'm a newly out lesbian; I want to flex my muscles, push the boundaries and do whatever the hell I please with myself.

So, I was sitting at my parents house doing some laundry and pet sitting their dog while they were out to a Christmas party. I had a few hours to kill, and knew they had a set of clippers. In the space of about five seconds I made a decision; I was going to do it. I grabbed the clippers, went into the bathroom and locked the door (to keep out the dog...I don't know.) I stripped down and stood in front of the mirror, clippers in hand. I turned them on and felt the familiar buzz, as I have cut men's hair plenty of times. With a deep breath, I started at the front of my head and made a slow pass backward. It felt wonderful. I felt like G.I. Jane minis the complete baldness. I used the longest attachment, which left my hair at an inch. Over and over I buzzed away until I was satisfied that everything was even and neat. I had to laugh at myself standing there covered in hair with a pile of it at my feet. I hoped in the shower to clean off and after I had styled what little hair I had left, I stood back to decide if I liked it. I do. I feel good. It looks more like me, more like I feel inside.

This is so much more than just a haircut to me. This is me saying "Fuck the world and what they think of me." I've lived my whole life doing the "right" think and worrying about how other people perceive me. I grew up completely immersed in the christian religion. I took everything they said as the truth and ignored anything inside me that said there might be a different way to live. In the church culture there is an expected way to look, to talk, to live your life. We were all the same and if we knew of anyone who was breaking out of that mold we shared prayer request (gossiped) about how they had strayed from the right path. I always knew deep in my self that I was different and didn't belong, but damned if I didn't try to fit in. I am at a place where I'm finally letting go of all that, finally doing what I think is right and not feeling guilty about it. I have never been so free. I feel like my life is full of possibilities and I'm ready to explore where it takes me.

Ode to Snow

2009-12-10T11:33:00.000-08:00

"Ode to Snow"

By: Chainsawchick

Every year I wait patiently
I rake my leaves and pack away lawn chairs
I watch the forecast expectantly
As Christmas draws nearer, I begin to get anxious
And then it happens!

"Winter in Upstate New York"

The temperature drops and the skies open
Lake effect snow falls heavenly and covers the ground
My heart beats faster and my eyes get bright
I imagine walking through the snow with my girl
Or long cozy evening spent in front of the fire

"Lesbian Snow Women"

I know that soon I will be flying down a mountain
I love the sound of my snowboard carving into the snow
The fear when approaching a jump
And the elation of landing it solidly
I love seeing girls on their boards reveling in their freedom

"Burton Snowboarding Camp for Women"
"me in the purple jacket"

There will be mornings when the stillness of the snow
Will be broken by the roar of my chainsaw
And the snow will be covered a sprinkling of flying sawdust
The frozen nose and fingers will be worth it
When I make what is in my mind into a beautiful new carving

"My first bear"

How to Become Famous (or at least a little famous)

2009-12-08T17:14:00.000-08:00

I am one of a very few woman in this world who pick up a chainsaw everyday when they go to work. I can think of less than ten that I have heard of or found on the internet. I have to say, this does give me allot of satisfaction. Chainsaw carving is something I never ment to do, but it has turned out to be an interesting carreer none the less.

I have allot of fun with the different reactions I get when I tell people what I do. The most common is the wide eyed "Really, wow, that's different!" The feminist say, "You go girl!" and some of the old guys and gals just give me a disapproving glare and change the conversation. But, for the most part, people are very impressed and interested.

Anyhow, the point of this post is to begin sharing my plan. I have been carving for eight years now and although I've done okay for myself, I think it's time to take things up to a new level. I can sometimes be kind of a shy person and I'm not used to having the spotlight on me, but I think it's time for me to start marketing not only my carvings, but myself as well. Let's face it, there are hundreds of chainsaw carvers out there, some of them better than me, most of them older men with suspenders and beards. What can I do to make people want to come watch me carve, to buy my carvings? What do I have that allot of carvers don't? Dare I say sex appeal? Dare I say most people would rather stand and watch a good looking, well toned woman wielding a chainsaw than some guy with a beer belly? I know I would!

So, that is the beginning of the plan. I am working on getting into a fair that would put me in front of 8-10,000 people every weekend. Whatever scruples I have about "showing off" in public I'm sure I will quickly get over when the orders start coming in! For now, I'm going to hit the gym, tone those arms and abs and buy some killer tank tops to get ready for the summer.

So, how's your family??

2009-12-07T15:44:00.000-08:00

Normally, anything that happens in this small town spreads like wildfire and everyone in the village and countryside has heard some version of the story within a couple days.

Strangely, my life is usually not like that. Apparently I have an incredibly private life and people rarely dare ask me any questions about my personal doings. I have been separated from my ex-husband for about three years now...and incredibly allot of people in this town still don't know it. It really confuses me. I haven't tried to hide it, we live in different houses, have different mailing addresses and are never seen together. You would think people would get the hint. Still every now and then I get asked a question that I'm not sure how to answer. Case and point, the other day I was in our tiny Post Office to get my mail. To give you an idea of how small our town is, my PO box number is less than thirty and the hallway that holds all the boxes is about twelve feet long. Anyhow, in comes this guy I have known forever. He was my mechanic for a long time and I think I may still owe him some money, but I can't remember for sure and he doesn't bring it up so I'm letting it slide for now.

He says to me, "Hows your family?" I think of my partner and daughter and I say with a smile, "We are all doing fine." But, after I thought about it for a little bit I realized, this guy is probably asking me about my ex and daughter because if he knew the real story he would of given me a sermon instead of a pleasantry. He is possibly the most catholic catholic person I have ever known; he goes to mass every single morning and has about twelve kids and counting. He is also very well known for sharing his opinion with anyone who wants it or not. Anyhow, this has nothing to do with my work or my plan or anything of importance, but aren't you glad I shared it with you!

My "Job"

2009-12-05T16:23:00.000-08:00

I never knew what I wanted to be when I grew up. I never had a plan. I only knew it was going to be something different, something unexpected, and I hoped something great. Here I am now, a single mom, making my living with a chainsaw, carving anything and everything out of a block of wood.

I have to say it is a job that is different and unexpected, and I'm still hoping someday it will be great. My life has careened through many changes since beginning this career eight years ago. I've went from a "normal" woman with a husband and daughter, to church every Sunday and always the good girl,

to the talk of my small town. After my divorce, I moved away and then came back to live in this town...with my girlfriend.

I'm going to be writing this blog to share the ups and downs I experience as I go against the grain and live my life here on my own terms. I no longer am going to try to fit in, be normal and not ruffle anyone's feathers. I'm going to confidently move forward with my life, my work and my family.