A Love Poem

When my eyes see only black and red, death and despair, hopeless dead ends in every direction

Your touch brings the light, the colors of morning and a new landscape before me

When I'm crushed beneath the relentless weight of my past, the bricks of self doubt

Your hands search until they find my pulse and you rescue me from the ruble

Only you know the heart the beats in me, only you see the bruises and scars

You reach inside and heal the pain, you tell me there's hope and I believe you

My year in review

(I started this entry as a look at the past year and it is basically morphing into my coming out story. I will have to feed it to you in instalments due to time constrains i.e. work!)

I heard today on the radio that twenty ten is the proper way to say the year we are in...who knew, well, now we do. I have been meaning to share some thoughts on what this past year meant to me. New years are always kind of a big deal for me. I'm not down with resolutions because let's face it, I don't have anywhere near enough discipline to actually make them happen. But, I do like to take the opportunity to reflect on where I've been and where I'm going.

I call 2008 "the lost year" It was a year of floundering, confusion, pain and disappointment.

Two thousand nine was an incredibly life changing year for me. When I think back about where I was only 365 days ago, it blows my mind. I was living with my parents, my entire life held in one room. My chainsaw carvings were not selling, but I didn't have the ambition to get a different job. My entire life and thought process was wrapped up in the struggle of coming to terms with my sexuality. I couldn't believe the way I was feeling, but I couldn't deny it. I looked back on my life and every piece fit into place, everything that didn't make sense as a strait woman made perfect sense as a lesbian. I pushed it out of my head, I prayed it would go away, prayed for forgiveness, but I knew that I would not be a peace with myself until I let what I was feeling come out into the light and take me where it wanted to go.

Anyone who knows me, knows I am an all or nothing kind of person. I don't test the waters, I jump in from the highest ledge I can find. I started reading anything and everything I could find about women who love women, I posted an add on an Internet dating sight and made plans to move to Las Vegas because there was no way in hell I was going to be gay in the small town where I grew up.

A new job = A whole new ball game.

I have a new job! I will always be a chainsaw artist, that is not going anywhere, but, after Christmas there are no more orders till May and it's to fucking cold outside anyhow!

So, mid-December I started job hunting and didn't have any success as I live in a crazy poor and depressed area...lucky me. Why do I live here? I keep asking myself that, but I will deal with that question later. For now, this is where I am. Anyhow, on the Tuesday before Christmas I got a call about a job I applied for and they wanted me to start the very next morning. Of coarse I said I'd be there! Wednesday morning I showed up at 6:45 ready to work. The place where I am working is only ten minutes from my house which is nice since my truck is a bit of a gas guzzler. There are about twenty guys working there and they make trailers, as in snowmobile, ATV, car haulers and utility trailers. My job is to make flats as they call them. I get the welded together aluminum frame and attach the tongue, the hitch, run the wiring, hook up the lights, put on the axle and tires, fit in and screw down the plywood decking and finally put on all the decals and I'm done.

The good:

A steady paycheck is a beautiful thing! Granted, I can make more in one day chainsaw carving than I do in a week of working here, but for now, this is a good thing because there is no chainsaw carving to be had.

Working with a bunch of rough and tumble guys is a whole lot of fun. I get a rush out of flexing my muscles and showing them that a female can do just as well at this as they can! They said I am the first woman to ever build flats and from all accounts, I am doing a damn good job at it so far.

Having a job away from the home is actually making my personal life better. I love my beautiful partner, but being together 24/7 is never good for any relationship. Now, I think about her while I'm out working and plan all the things I want to do to/with her when I get home. I love pulling into the driveway and seeing her through the window, I love walking through the door and kissing her because I've been gone all day and we miss each other. I love telling her about my day and hearing about hers.

The bad:

As I kind of touched on earlier, the pay is, um, minimal. And, the hours right now are INSANE! I work from seven in the morning till six at night everyday and five hours on Saturday...fifty-five hours a week of hard physical labor. Ah, builds character, or some shit like that.

Working with a bunch of rough and tumble guys is incredibly tiring. Forcing my female body to keep up with the guys is something I've always done, but this is a whole new level of masochism. I am pushing myself through some pretty bad pain to excel at this job. My legs are covered in bruises and my hands are cut to hell. I'm trying to figure out different ways to do this job just as well without so much physical strain. For instance, the guy who showed me how to build the trailers would slam on the plywood with his hands to force it into place under the rails and I have learned that using a rubber mallet works just as well without the pain.

So, this is my new job, my new time consuming painful, but paycheck every week job. Stay tuned for more exciting entries!