Music for my Spirit

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A few months ago I heard the news that one of my all time favorite Christian artist came out as a lesbian. I can't tell you how great this made me feel. I dug out all her old songs that I hadn't listened to since I came out of the closet and left the church.


Knowing that she was "one of us" put her music in a whole different light. I could hear the struggles and pain she was going through just like I had.


Today I went to her website and have been listening to her new music. I wish I wasn't so broke so I could buy the CD! Oh well, at least I can listen to it. It's fucking awesome! She writes songs that express the things I feel but can't even begin to vocalize.

I hope that she is successful. I hope that she keeps making music and I hope that I will get to meet her someday.

The Old, Current and New

I began this blog almost a year ago, but after a few post I let it fall silent. Why? I guess it was a combination of busyness and a feeling that no one was reading it anyhow. I've thought about picking it back up a few times, but have hesitated. Today I begin writing simply because my mind is crammed with confusion and I have no other place to vent at the moment.

When I stopped writing last year I was working as a laborer to pay the bills. It was a job that was hard as hell, but I enjoyed it until one fateful day I lifted something I shouldn't have and caused damage to my back that has been irreversible and ongoing. I've pushed through it for eight months while trying to continue my career as a chainsaw carver. It has only been in the last couple months that I have realized the end of my time as a chainsaw wielding artist is inevitable. I can no longer continue to push myself believing that my body will heal and I can continue carving indefinitely. It has been a scary revelation because I've been carving for almost ten years and it's the only thing that I have been very successful at. Where do I go from here? Who do I become?

I know I can not go back to a nine to five job. I've been my own boss and made my own hours for so long that getting paid by the hour just doesn't make sense to me. No matter how hard you work, you receive the same wage with small raises occasionally if you're lucky. The steady paychecks are nice, but that's not enough to make the job satisfying. A downside of looking for a new carreer is my severe lack of education. I am a highschool graduate. That's it. When I fill out a job application the spaces for continuing education are left very blank. The one thing I try to include is my military training a a journalist/public affairs officer. At least it's something to put in there.

I have been pondering for some time what to do after carving and here is what I've decided. I am going to become a real estate agent. Once again, I am very scared at the thought of beginning something new, but I think this is going to be the best path to take. The education is a 70-hour course and then on the job training. I know about houses, I know a little about advertising and computers and I am a self starter as they say. I don't enjoy bosses looking over my shoulder and this is a carreer where I will have allot of freedom to do things how I think they should be done. I just hope I am good at it and I hope it is proffitable.

I'm looking forward to dressing well and not being covered in sawdust every day. It will be nice to find out how it feels to get a paycheck that didn't come from sweat and physical exhaustion. I'd like to become well known in the community and be a powerful force for equality in our small town and beyond as well.

There are obsticals and so many things that I still need to figure out. I feel stressed and unsure about the outcome, but deep inside myself I believe this will work if I don't give up and don't screw up.

The Rebel

Have you guys heard of the new movie coming out called "The Runaways?" This is a movie about the all girl band of the late seventies. They were four teenage girls rocking just as hard as the boys. They did their own thing and they were a huge hit. Because of my tender age and conservative upbringing I didn't know about the band until a couple years ago. Their lead singer, Cherie Curry is now an accomplished chainsaw artist. I came across her site and we exchanges several emails, just one chainsaw carving girl to another. Now, I found out she is this big celebrity. Pretty cool, huh? Anyhow, thinking about what those girls did and what Cherie does now got me thinking...

Am I truly a rebel, or am I just playing at it? I like to think of myself as a free spirit, one who goes against the grain and does what people say can't be done. But, although I have taken my own road on many issues, there is still a very strong part of my identity tied to the social conformity that I was raised with. I was brought up to be a good person, fit in and follow all the rules.
I try so hard to just be myself and act on how I feel, but it's a conscious effort to do so. It seems I have these built in filters always monitoring how I act and what I say. They say, "What are other people going to think of you?" Everyday I have to constantly remind myself to ignore the filters and just be who I am. Who gives a damn what other people think! I will never accomplish anything great if I am too busy just trying to keep everyone happy!
My goal is to simply let out the rebel that has been repressed for so long. That doesn't mean I'm going to go out and get ten facial piercings and twenty-five tattoos, although I will if I feel like it. I just want to let my spirit be free to feel, say and create whatever it comes up with. The filters are coming off, god save the queen.

The Two New Women in my Life

There are two women who came into my life about a month ago that I think about all the time. They are the two main characters of my book. Without further ado, let me introduce them to you.

This is Abigale, but everyone knows her as Abby. She's a born and raised New York City girl, a punk, an artist, outspoken and rough around the edges. She clings to her independence, but deeply needs to be loved as well. Her past has left her jaded and she is increasingly unhappy with her present, but the future holds trials that may break her and a love that can heal her heart if she is strong enough to see it through.


Laura is the picture of a sweet country girl. A girl who has had the same friends since childhood and who married her high school sweetheart. A tragic loss has left her heart open and bleeding. As she struggles to come to terms with her present reality, she meets a girl unlike anyone she has ever known. She is swept off her feet, but is her new love capable of giving her the loyalty and intimacy she craves?



These two women are in my thoughts constantly. I wish I could shut out the world and write to my hearts content, but sadly that's not an option for me. I have to write what I can when I can and I just hope I can do them justice.

The Novel in my Mind

About a month ago I decided to write a novel. I think at some point or other almost everyone feels that they could or should write a book and I guess this is my time. I have always been a bit of a writer. In school I loved writing short stories and even book reports and such were enjoyable. I filled several notebooks during my teenage years with pages and pages of journaling and of coarse in the Army National Guard, they paid me to be a journalist. But, all the writing I've done is nothing compared to what it will take to put out a full length novel which is about 60,000 words!

Anyone who knows me knows that my mind moves from one thing to another rather quickly. It's hard for me to remain focused on one project for too long. I guess that's why I'm a chainsaw artist, things happen in a hurry when your using a chainsaw! I knew that in order to start and finish this book I needed a strong conviction of why I'm doing it. I knew I needed to write about characters and themes that are important to me.

I bought a small notebook and began to carry it in my back pocket. I scribbled in it before work, during breaks and in the evenings. I ran my ideas past my partner for her input. Eventually I worked out the two main characters and the basics of the story. I had a hard time figuring out how to start the book, but I think I've got it now.

It's time for me to jump in and begin this book, but I find myself hesitating. I'm happy with my characters and story line. I feel I have a good story to tell. I think I'm scared to start for the fear of not finishing. What a tragedy it would be to begin a story and then leave it unfinished! On the other hand, it would feel so amazing to have a book in front of me that I thought of and wrote, and if it ever got published it would be the icing on the cake. This story is important to me. The characters are a part of me and the issues they deal with are things that I feel strongly about. This book will be a way for me to express myself and create something worth while.

Tomorrow I will give you a glimpse of the two main characters. Tonight, I'm going to sit down and begin typing out my story. If I don't start it, I will always regret not trying.

Have you ever wanted to write, but the words just won't come out. I guess that has pretty much defined my writing for the last month. Snatches of inspiration come and go through my mind, but nothing has stuck and developed enough to even begin to write about. My life has settled into a pretty predictable pattern. Get up, go to work, come home, make supper, go to bed. I'm getting paid every Friday, grocery shopping, paying the bills and doing all the things a responsible person does. Boring right? I know.

However, under the guise of this simple life, my off kilter mind is still at work. I'm making plans for my chainsaw carving business. If at all possible I am going to be changing my carving location this spring. Currently I am carving at my parent's home, which is convenient, but very limiting. My partner and I have to pretend to "just be friends" whenever we are over there, which kills me! She'll be bending over painting on of my bears, cleavage all over the place, and I can't do a damn thing about it...that is just cruel and unusual punishment!

I'm also setting up an appointment for my first tattoo. Through a friend of a friend we found a really good artist who wants to trade tattoo for carving. Sweet! The hard part is his location, about seven hours away, but we'll work it out. I'm thinking about getting a small set of wings on my left arm to start out and I'll see how I like it and go from there.

Next time I check in, I'll tell you all about the book I'm working on. I'm surrounded by writers and just can't help myself. I have to try my hand at fiction writing. I've got the characters and the story line ready to go, it's just a matter of having the time and dedication to get it done!

See ya later!

A Love Poem

When my eyes see only black and red, death and despair, hopeless dead ends in every direction

Your touch brings the light, the colors of morning and a new landscape before me

When I'm crushed beneath the relentless weight of my past, the bricks of self doubt

Your hands search until they find my pulse and you rescue me from the ruble

Only you know the heart the beats in me, only you see the bruises and scars

You reach inside and heal the pain, you tell me there's hope and I believe you

My year in review

(I started this entry as a look at the past year and it is basically morphing into my coming out story. I will have to feed it to you in instalments due to time constrains i.e. work!)

I heard today on the radio that twenty ten is the proper way to say the year we are in...who knew, well, now we do. I have been meaning to share some thoughts on what this past year meant to me. New years are always kind of a big deal for me. I'm not down with resolutions because let's face it, I don't have anywhere near enough discipline to actually make them happen. But, I do like to take the opportunity to reflect on where I've been and where I'm going.

I call 2008 "the lost year" It was a year of floundering, confusion, pain and disappointment.

Two thousand nine was an incredibly life changing year for me. When I think back about where I was only 365 days ago, it blows my mind. I was living with my parents, my entire life held in one room. My chainsaw carvings were not selling, but I didn't have the ambition to get a different job. My entire life and thought process was wrapped up in the struggle of coming to terms with my sexuality. I couldn't believe the way I was feeling, but I couldn't deny it. I looked back on my life and every piece fit into place, everything that didn't make sense as a strait woman made perfect sense as a lesbian. I pushed it out of my head, I prayed it would go away, prayed for forgiveness, but I knew that I would not be a peace with myself until I let what I was feeling come out into the light and take me where it wanted to go.

Anyone who knows me, knows I am an all or nothing kind of person. I don't test the waters, I jump in from the highest ledge I can find. I started reading anything and everything I could find about women who love women, I posted an add on an Internet dating sight and made plans to move to Las Vegas because there was no way in hell I was going to be gay in the small town where I grew up.

A new job = A whole new ball game.

I have a new job! I will always be a chainsaw artist, that is not going anywhere, but, after Christmas there are no more orders till May and it's to fucking cold outside anyhow!

So, mid-December I started job hunting and didn't have any success as I live in a crazy poor and depressed area...lucky me. Why do I live here? I keep asking myself that, but I will deal with that question later. For now, this is where I am. Anyhow, on the Tuesday before Christmas I got a call about a job I applied for and they wanted me to start the very next morning. Of coarse I said I'd be there! Wednesday morning I showed up at 6:45 ready to work. The place where I am working is only ten minutes from my house which is nice since my truck is a bit of a gas guzzler. There are about twenty guys working there and they make trailers, as in snowmobile, ATV, car haulers and utility trailers. My job is to make flats as they call them. I get the welded together aluminum frame and attach the tongue, the hitch, run the wiring, hook up the lights, put on the axle and tires, fit in and screw down the plywood decking and finally put on all the decals and I'm done.

The good:

A steady paycheck is a beautiful thing! Granted, I can make more in one day chainsaw carving than I do in a week of working here, but for now, this is a good thing because there is no chainsaw carving to be had.

Working with a bunch of rough and tumble guys is a whole lot of fun. I get a rush out of flexing my muscles and showing them that a female can do just as well at this as they can! They said I am the first woman to ever build flats and from all accounts, I am doing a damn good job at it so far.

Having a job away from the home is actually making my personal life better. I love my beautiful partner, but being together 24/7 is never good for any relationship. Now, I think about her while I'm out working and plan all the things I want to do to/with her when I get home. I love pulling into the driveway and seeing her through the window, I love walking through the door and kissing her because I've been gone all day and we miss each other. I love telling her about my day and hearing about hers.

The bad:

As I kind of touched on earlier, the pay is, um, minimal. And, the hours right now are INSANE! I work from seven in the morning till six at night everyday and five hours on Saturday...fifty-five hours a week of hard physical labor. Ah, builds character, or some shit like that.

Working with a bunch of rough and tumble guys is incredibly tiring. Forcing my female body to keep up with the guys is something I've always done, but this is a whole new level of masochism. I am pushing myself through some pretty bad pain to excel at this job. My legs are covered in bruises and my hands are cut to hell. I'm trying to figure out different ways to do this job just as well without so much physical strain. For instance, the guy who showed me how to build the trailers would slam on the plywood with his hands to force it into place under the rails and I have learned that using a rubber mallet works just as well without the pain.

So, this is my new job, my new time consuming painful, but paycheck every week job. Stay tuned for more exciting entries!